Looking back through our archives, one of the posts that still gets the most traffic is the one about Satanic Sex. Another popular post is the one in which, several years ago, my daughter Tina decided to become a Satanist. Since then she has grown up and has a blog of her own which gets a reasonable amount of visitors. One of the questions that both she and I are most often asked is how our satanic beliefs inform our attitudes to sex and love. We are both aware that there is not much written about this subject on the net; at least, not much that we would recommend! So we decided to get together to answer some of the questions we are most often asked on this subject and maybe expand on our views and experiences a bit. First; for any visitors new to this site, a very short paragraph of background information about us.
My name is Sophie. I am 40 years of age and 17 years ago I gave birth to my precious daughter Tina. At the time I was in a long term relationship with Tina’s father. We split up fairly amicably when Tina was seven when we realized we had different directions and priorities in our lives. Tina’s father has continued to play an active and supporting role in Tina’s life and upbringing. I have been sexually active since my mid teens and I suppose I was always fairly liberal and adventurous in my sexual affairs. I’d had a couple of serious boyfriends before meeting Tina’s father (and quite a lot of less serious ones) and after the split I had a lot of liaisons with both men and women before meeting Cassie who has since become my life partner. Both Cassie and I are bisexual and still occasionally have sex with men, but we knew as soon as we met each other that we were meant to be life partners and we love each other deeply.
So I am Tina. I’m 17 in two weeks time and I have been sexually active for just over a year. I was the most innocent of children and had no interest in sex or any of the things connected with being an adult until I was about 14 and in that year I changed and grew up so much it shocked even me! When I was fifteen I started going to parties, meeting boys and kissing and stuff… I decided I should get prepared for the time when there would be more “stuff”! I had a lot of conversations with my mother and then just before I was sixteen she took me to the birth control clinic and I started taking the pill. Luckily I have always been able to talk openly about these things with my mother. A few months later I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend. Later I split up from him and “experimented” a bit. Now I have a boyfriend who is a few years older than me and shares a lot of my beliefs and values.
Mother’s Ground Rules.
Sex should only happen between fully consenting adults. If a person doesn’t or can’t give consent it is rape and the rapist should be punished as harshly as possible. Here in the part of Switzerland we live in the age of consent is 16. I know my daughter and I know she is adult enough to have sex if she wants to. However, not all people mature at the same pace. Tina has some sixteen year old friends who, in my opinion, are still not ready for sex. It is also fair to say that some people mature at a faster pace and maybe ready and hungry for sex earlier. Even so, the law is there to protect people and it is always best to wait until you are not breaking the law. If you can’t wait, there is something wrong. In all cases, if in doubt, don’t have sex; wait until a better time.
It is your body and only you should choose how to use it and who to share it with. Never, never do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. If a partner pressures you into doing or trying something sexually you are uncomfortable with, dump that person!
Girls. You can get pregnant! This is something the men don’t fully understand because it can’t happen to them. If you get pregnant, whether you have the child or not, it will change your life completely. So ALWAYS use birth control unless you are with somebody you don’t mind starting a family with. All women have the right to have an abortion, but abortion is a big thing that can fuck your mind and body up in all sorts of ways. It is not a form of last minute birth control.
And last of the scary warnings… AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases still exist. In fact most sexually active people catch an STD of some kind at some point. Be careful. Take precautions. In all casual sex adventures it is best to use condoms.
The Satanic Perspective.
Satanists are intelligent, scientific people and so they should take all the above warnings seriously. Satanists are self-centred and self-reliant, and must take responsibility for protecting themselves as much as possible. However, with all that being said, Satanists think sex is normal and healthy, Satanists are mostly hedonistic, meaning we see nothing wrong with enjoying carnal and mental pleasures as much as possible and Satanists are self aware so learning how to achieve maximum pleasure and satisfaction through sex (and all other things) is part of our life path and meaning. Satanists tend to value and enjoy the so called darker, left hand, sinister, side of things. We feel it is important to explore and integrate that side of things into our lives in a constructive way. That may make some of us more open to certain forms of sexual expression and fetishism than some others may be.
In practical terms, in our own family, my daughter’s blossoming sexuality and sexual appetite is not something I fear or dread (although I will always be the protective mother who sometimes gives more advice than is wanted), rather it is something I welcome and encourage as I think gaining sexual knowledge and pleasure is an important aspect of personal development.
What would you say is the relationship between sex and love?
They are not the same of course but they are very interconnected. Love can be wonderful and Satanists can fall in love as truly, madly and deeply as anybody else. I have had a lot of sexual partners but only a few partners that I was passionately in love with. The difference is huge. Of course the feeling of being “in love” is a huge and lovely thing in itself although when it doesn’t work out as you would like, or when it ends, it can be devastatingly painful. But how to cope with that is one of the life lessons it is important to learn and it says a lot about who we actually are. A loving relationship is the best situation in which to fully enjoy sex and explore your own needs and boundaries. Making love with somebody you are in love with is absolutely the best and safest way to discover and enjoy sex when you are “starting out”. And even later in life, sex within a loving relationship is almost always the best kind of sex there is. You know that Cassie and I have had sex with quite a few other people, and we still do sometimes, but when we are together our love adds a dimension to sex that beats everything and everybody else we have ever experienced.
But there is still a place for sex outside of love. It must still and always be fully consensual, but frankly speaking most people need and benefit from having sexual experiences outside of a committed relationship sometimes. Many religions are very much against that. Satanism treats people as adults with their own agency who don’t have to follow or pretend to follow any form of religious or societal rules when it comes to sex.
Is there sex in Satanic rituals?
Not always, and not in all covens and groups. But sometimes, yes. In our own coven there is nudity and there are some sexual moments or acts in some rituals. It is very rare for full intercourse to happen during a ritual, although because of the sexually charged atmosphere some people do have sex as soon as they can after the formal part is done. But there is sexual stimulation… I don’t want to go into details, but I also don’t want to tell lies. There are sexual elements in many of our coven meetings. They are not really the debauched orgies you sometimes read about but I suppose in some people’s opinion any kind of sexual activity outside what is normal for them is seen as bad… However, and this is really important… Nobody should ever be pressured into any form of sexual activity they are not comfortable with. There are several people in our own coven who prefer not to participate in some of the more sexual rituals. That is fine and we totally respect that. Really. I would say to any person starting out in Satanism or even those who are very experienced practitioners, never do anything sexually just to fit in with a group. If you feel pressured to do something against your will or that you find uncomfortable in any way, leave quickly. If necessary report them to the police. And it is probably worth getting to know several members of the group and what they do for a living, before attending any private group meetings.
Is there a Satanic view of things like homosexuality?
Not really. You know by now it is hard to find any two Satanists who agree on everything, or even anything! However, in my own experience most Satanists I have met tend to have more more liberal views in matters of sex than mainstream society. It is also a Satanic principle to break down taboos. So generally Satanists are open minded about homosexuality and most other forms of sexual expression and identity. Some homosexuals, especially those who have suffered and felt repressed by religions like Christianity, find Satanism a great release and may go into a bit of overdrive in matters of sex! In our own coven we have people of all shades and colours on the sexual spectrum.
So are all Satanists kind of uber-sexual?
No. I know several Satanists who have no interest in sex at all.
Any final comments?
Sex is healthy and fun but it is an adult thing which stirs deep emotions. Satanists (like everybody else really) should enjoy it responsibly. And in the excitement of sex, don’t overlook love. Love is something which binds and heals. Other religions don’t have the monopoly on love. It is as important for Satanists as anybody else.
And is there anything you would like to add?
Well I don’t really have much experience but maybe there are a few things I would add… Firstly sex does change you. It is not the thing of loosing your virginity, it is what happens after that, you begin to think differently and change in other ways… It is not something you can undo. I was lucky but I know some people whose first sexual experiences were not very good or happy. And they are a bit fucked up by that. They need to find their way back and kind of start again. Even I can say for sure it is better to learn about sex in a relationship than in a casual one night stand. So maybe if it starts off bad, people need to get back to the start and look for love more than sex.
Also the places where sex often happens first is at parties or clubs where there is a lot of alcohol and sometimes drugs involved. That is never good. I know some people who had big problems from that. Somebody I know online said if you are drinking at a party or club you should keep an eye on your drink and if you put it down somewhere where you can’t see it, never drink from that glass again in case somebody puts something in it.
I think I am luck that I have you and Cassie and Dad and I can talk to you about things. Some people aren’t so lucky but they should really try to find somebody trustworthy to ask for advice.
Here is a big rule from me. NEVER let your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover of any kind take photos while you are having sex. I can kind of see why people do it sometimes. It can seem kind of fun and kinky. I nearly let it happen once but didn’t. There is a girl in my school who found pictures of herself posted on Facebook and on some other sites. This is something which happens a lot these days and people should be careful. If it does happen though, remember the criminal is the one who took and published the photos, not the person in the picture.
And lastly, Satanists often say Hail Satan and Hail Yourself! Remember you can’t hail yourself unless you respect yourself.
In the last year I have realized I really like sex. But I also realized I like to be fully in control. I know there are some sexual games and fetishes where you give up a bit of control (maybe wearing hand-cuffs for example) but I don’t think these are the kind of things you should do when you are just starting out in sex. There are plenty of other things to experiment with before you get on to bondage and you don’t have to like or do everything straight away.
This is is a brief introduction by Sophie. The main part of this post will be written by my daughter, Tina. Regular readers may already know something about Tina. She also is a Satanist, entirely by her own choice, her own free and very strong will. We have encouraged her to post here when she can. School work takes priority but now she is on holiday and has more time to write.
Like all mothers and daughters we don’t agree on all things, sometimes we argue and fight. Mostly however I think we have a very good relationship. She makes me very proud in all sorts of ways I won’t embarrass her with here. During the past year she has grown up rapidly in many ways. Of course I think it is too fast and too soon! On the other hand you could say that I have encouraged it because while I’m strict about some things I’m also very permissive. She reminds me of myself at her age except in truth I think she is wiser and more mature than I was then. We had a bit of an argument recently and when I went to speak to her later when we were both feeling calmer I suddenly realised I was talking to a young woman and not a little girl. I cried a bit about that later… Where has that time gone?! Where is my little girl?!
But the young woman who stood before me was amazing and she is still my daughter. I’m still the Mum! I still make the rules! However I am glad we both share the same philosophy of life and one of the things that means is I totally support her right to live and express herself in her own style. Nothing in the post that follows breaks the rules we have discussed. Over to Tina…
Even I can see that I have changed a lot in a short time. The person I see in the mirror looks very different to the pictures of me from a year ago and I feel different inside too. I guess it is all a normal thing about growing up and being a teenager. But I hate the word “teenager” and I also hate having to say my age all the time. I don’t think it is the same when you are older. Nobody thinks all 25 year olds are the same, or all people in their fifties; but people do kind of think all teenagers are the same. Well to tell the truth I know some people who are 13 who are more mature than some people who are 18. I just don’t think age is the thing that makes a difference. And mostly I don’t want people to judge me by my age. If I say or do something clever then it is clever whether I’m 14 or 19. And also if I do something stupid, it is still stupid whatever age I am.
One of the reasons my Mum and I had a “discussion” recently is because I didn’t like the photo of me that was on this blog. It was all photoshopped and pixilated but I still thought I looked babyish in it. She said I could choose a new one and then she didn’t like the one I chose because she said it made me look too old and then she wanted to photoshop it so that I don’t get stalkers! In the end I kind of won the argument. One thing I said was that we were both witches and both Satanists and if somebody tried to stalk me they would get fucked in a bad way. Mum told me not to swear and then burst out laughing. Anyway mum still has “issues” with the photo I chose but she let me put it up. She says that it is up to me to decide how people see me and up to me to deal with the consequences (although she would help out with the stalker slaying part)!
Just like ages and the word “Teenager” I also don’t really like the word Satanist because everybody has their own idea of what it means and that idea is usually bad or wrong. Then imagine if you put the words Teenage and Satanist together just how many totally crazy and false stereotypes will come to people’s minds! But still I am a Satanist and I am young in comparison to some so I guess I can tolerate the phrase Young Satanist.
I have a few ideas of things I want to write about here maybe in the next few months when I have a little more time than usual, but first I want to write a little introduction to me and maybe answer some of the things me and my Mum think people would be curious about how it is to be a young Satanist.
Firstly I’m not evil. I don’t like things that are really evil and I don’t think Satan or Satanism are evil. At school I’m a good student in most lessons. I’m one of the best in my class in Biology, Science and English. I get good grades. I like study actually. Probably I do and think some bad things but I’m not going to tell you what they are on my Mum’s blog! I sometimes smoke cigarettes and I sometimes drink alcohol at parties. (Mostly I don’t really like alcohol though, and I think my friends are idiots when they have drunk too much). I like music. I like underground bands mostly and some metal. There are some kind of Satanic Heavy Metal bands I listen to. Mum and Cassie hate them!
I don’t wear black all the time… Okay, I do most of the time. That’s just because I like it.
I am learning magic and I can honestly call myself a witch even though I still have lots to learn.
I try to live my life by Satanic values, which are my values anyway. For me that means… Think for yourself and don’t follow the crowd unless there is a special reason to. Take responsibility for your own actions but do what makes you happy. Question everything and everyone. Be scientific. Learn the clever ways to get what you want, which sometimes includes magical ways too. Look after the environment and be respectful to animals. Be nice to people when they are nice to you, but you can also be bad to them if they are bad to you. Make up your own mind about what is right or wrong. Yes, that’s the main thing. Think for yourself.
I do some rituals when I am learning or doing magic. When I am older I do want to do full Satanic Rituals. I speak to Satan as if he was a friend. Sometimes I ask for advice but mostly I just say what is going on in my life. I’m not sure what Satan is, but I think it is mostly a deeper part of me; maybe a part of my spirit which is eternal and connected to everything else. Mum says that sounds quite Buddhist; which probably means she agrees.
In some ways I think this all makes me sound quite boring and normal and not at all what people expect a young satanist to be. But I think Satanism does give me a bit of an edge and it really has made me much more self confident than I used to be. Mostly I’m nice, but I don’t take shit from anybody! We will see if that survives Mum’s edit!
I could say much more but then this post would be too long. So, more later. Now I must go and do dark Satanic things like having a shower and watching TV.
Written by Sophie
I think in many parts of the world if a fourteen year old girl suddenly told her mother that she was a Satanist it would cause a lot of anxiety and concern. To be honest it caused me a lot of concern too.
As a preface, I should say that my daughter knows that Cassie and I are Satanists. We certainly don’t force our views on her but we don’t deny them either. We have also warned her as subtly as possible that a lot of people misunderstand or don’t agree with Satanism and so it would be best not to talk about our beliefs with people she doesn’t know well. She has access to what we call our altar room where there are a collection of Satanic books and an altar with various pagan and satanic symbols and objects. She has met some of our pagan and satanic friends and gets on well with them. I would like to state clearly though that we are extremely careful not to expose her to any of the more adult aspects of our rituals or lifestyle. (I only say that because I know that some people are unable to separate real satanism from the various horror stories of so called satanic abuse that often arise in the media and on the net).
A few months ago she came home from school and spoke about the story of Adam and Eve. (They don’t have religion in her school but they do have ethics which is where this came up). She was perplexed because the thrust the teacher was making in the lesson was that the story was about the importance of obedience and apparently most of the class just accepted that whereas she didn’t. She didn’t say anything in class for fear of getting a bad mark, but told me she thought the serpent was the real hero of the story for trying to free Adam and Eve, and she was very frustrated that nobody else seemed to get that point. I told her that I agreed with her.
Several times after that she started to quiz Cassie and I about exactly what we believed and she always ended up by saying that she agreed with us. Finally one time she concluded by asking, “Well, does that mean I am a Satanist too then?”
Cassie and I were a bit unsure what to say.
In truth I didn’t really want Tina to become a Satanist at this stage of her life. I know from my own experience that teenage views can change rapidly and dramatically and often. I have nothing against my daughter being a Satanist, but I would rather she had more time to measure her views and perhaps come to Satanism as an adult having tried out other spiritual ideas and philosophies. Twelve years old seems really early to be making any form of commitment to any religion, let alone one as controversial as Satanism.
And yet, how should we answer her questions? She does seem to share much of our philosophy. Her spiritual and moral views are very much in line with our thoughts. And my daughter is not a silly child. She is intelligent, independent, she reads a lot and she likes to think things through… She is mature for her age, some might say precocious… In fact the essence of her persona is very satanic indeed. How could we have missed that?
“Well,” I said, “You do seem to think and believe a lot of things that Satanists think and believe, but Satanism also is a choice to live a certain kind of way and to be a certain kind of person. So it is up to you to decide if you are a Satanist. You don’t have to decide it now though. It might be better to think about it for a while… As long as you like really; there is no need to rush something important like that.
And that was that, conversation over. She seemed content.
Then a few days later while the three of us were eating dinner she dropped a bit of a bombshell. “I have been thinking about what you said the other day,” she said matter of factly, “And I have decided I am a Satanist. I mean that is my choice. I know you wanted me to think about it for longer but actually I have been thinking about it for a long time already which is mainly why I brought it up the other day…
Cassie and I were squirming a bit by now.
“And another thing…” My daughter went on, “I don’t believe Satan is an evil creature who lives in a pit of fire, but I do believe Satan is real and I like him and feel like he likes me and I want to do a little ritual to make that connection stronger and make sure he knows I am on his side.”
Well there was a lot of conversation after that. In fact a lot of conversations which went on over many days. Cassie and I were both very unsure at first how to react and proceed. What made the difference was Tina herself. She never got angry during those conversations, she listened carefully and respectfully to all that Cassie and I had to say. And she talked as maturely as myself and Cassie (sometimes more so). But she stuck to her opinion.
So last week, the day after the Grand Climax ritual which Cassie and I celebrated with some friends, we had a private and very simple little ritual just the three of us in which we asked Satan to bless and guide Tina from that time onwards.
So my daughter is a Satanist.
Tina, my little girl is growing up. I don’t know if it’s my imagination but she seems more self assured than ever. I have to accept that she is coming to a time in her life when she will make more and more decisions for herself. I guess all mothers are nervous at this stage. But this decision was a good one and right for her. I fully accept it and see it as a new stage in our mother/daughter relationship.
There have been a few minor changes in her and in the feeling in our home since then. Both Cassie and I felt some changes in ourselves when we became Satanists and we wondered how this step would affect Tina. We think Satan is pleased and is being gentle with her. She seems more self confident. She seems somehow older in terms of maturity (and she was already ahead of the pack). There are some things we can talk about more openly in the home which I think strengthens the bonds between the three of us and I like that a lot…
As for Tina herself. Well she did ask if she could get a little tattoo to mark the occasion! I said absolutely no way until she is sixteen. She accepted that without a fight but did say she would probably renegotiate in a few months! We did take her shopping to a New Age/ witchy shop in Zurich and she has bought some Satanic looking jewellery (I’m not sure the love and light shop keeper really approved)! And she has dyed and braided a few strands of hair which she said was a little sign she could wear openly without anyone else understanding what it meant. She was always better at subtlety than me!
To me these things are as much about becoming a teenager as becoming a Satanist, but that does not reduce the importance of what she has done or the commitment she has made. She may well change her mind sooner or later, which would be fine, but knowing her I think that is unlikely. My daughter is a Satanist. She is also a bright, kind, considerate, funny, nature loving, musical, wise and intelligent girl and I am extremely proud of her.
One thing I have become aware of since this development is the lack of appropriate material on the net and in print for young Satanists. This is a theme Cassie and I will come back to (and maybe try to do something about).