This is the third and most personal of the posts in my theme of living Satanism. In a way this is my confession. Confessions are normally seen as an admission of guilt but the only guilt I acknowledge is in not living a fully authentic Satanic life sooner than I did. I confess to being a rather “fluffy” Satanist for many years, so keen to prove to my friends and to the world that Satanism didn’t make you a bad person, that I tried to justify everything I did and believed according to their standards and values and not my own. In trying to point out the logical and “good” aspects of modern Satanism, I denied myself the pleasures and personal growth that comes from admitting that I don’t adhere to all the moral norms of society.
I took a certain satisfaction from being the “nice” woman that people could not believe was a Satanist. In fairness I think there was some merit in that; I think I did, in some cases at least, challenge and confront the negative assumptions people often make about Satanism. However, it also stunted my growth and development as a satanic person. I was by default still measuring my life by common, often Christian, standards.
I needed to remind myself that in truth, I chose Satanism, I chose the Left Hand Path, because that is where my heart and soul belong.
I went from being an eclectic Pagan witch, to an openly Satanic witch fairly rapidly. Within months of “coming out” as a Satanist I had joined a coven and gotten involved in various online Satanic groups. It really wasn’t long after that that I found myself running my own Satanic group/coven in Switzerland together with my partner Sophie. All the while I was charting my spiritual progress in this and other blogs. In certain circles I became quite well known. As time went on I realised that in much of what I said and did, in my blogs and in my life, I was always trying to justify my beliefs and prove I was still a “good” person. But part of being a Satanist, is a willingness to explore your own dark side. I talked about that, but gradually realised I wasn’t really doing it. About two years ago I challenged myself to let go of all vestiges of the values and morals I had lived by up to then and try to live entirely by satanic values alone. Part of doing that meant breaking taboos and going against the grain of everything I was brought up to believe. I knew people would think I had gone mad or become evil. I wondered if that might even be the case. I didn’t know where it would lead me but that was the point. The Left Hand Path is about embracing the darkness within and integrating it to become whole. Going back to Tantric traditions it is also about experiencing the forbidden without being tainted by it.
So it was goodbye to “nice” Cassie and hello to my darker alter-ego. I did several cleansing rituals to darken my heart and soul and rid myself of any remaining Right Hand Path leanings or attributes. I made a conscious effort to align my will with Satan as fully as possible, placing my own considerable ego aside, allowing The Devil to lead, guide and speak to me clearly. (I could write a paragraph of ifs, buts and explanations for every sentence I write here but that is not the point of this post).
I decided to live as if there were no laws, no morals, no values whatsoever outside of those found within Satanic texts, and to follow my own will and my own desires no matter how depraved they might once have seemed to me.
In private and in my coven I explored many of the darker rituals associated with Satanism. I used Greater and Lesser Magic more regularly and as often as I could to achieve whatever my aims or desires were. I gravitated towards darker magic and did not flinch from cursing people or taking revenge when I wanted to. Moreover, I encouraged my partner, my daughter and others to do likewise. As I was tempted and corrupted, I tempted and corrupted others and I took great pleasure in doing so.
I became more hedonistic than ever before. I indulged all my senses to the max. I ate the best food, drank the best wine and took the best drugs. Sexually I did whatever pleased me with whoever it pleased me. (I was aided and abetted in this by my partner Sophie who shared most of this journey with me). We became “swingers” and in the many parties we attended we broke most of our personal and sexual taboos and indulged every vice and fetish we had.
Meanwhile I made a point of never being “nice” to anyone outside my family or my coven unless it suited my various schemes to do so. I became quite a hardened bitch in many respects. This brought me success, lots of it. I had never earned more money or been more financially secure. And despite my excesses I managed to remain in good health as well.
Before long I had become the evil woman that a secret part of me had always wanted to be. And that is where I am and that is who I am now.
Perhaps I should just end there. But all journeys continue and all lessons are there to be learned. So now, as I reflect a bit on a period of life I deliberately exposed myself to, there are a few things of meaning I have learned and want to share.
I am a hedonist, I enjoy all the things which give pleasure in any way, but I need to take care of myself. The Devil has encouraged me to enjoy many things and has helped protect my health in the process but this is really my responsibility and I need to moderate certain vices and behaviours to do my share of the work in keeping healthy.
In sexual matters the only morals I have are concerned with consent and agency. These are my boundaries and I despise the way religious and other authorities have tried to control natural human sexual instincts and desires; mainly as a way of social control.
I gave myself permission to do “anything”, even things that many consider to be evil. However, in reality the worst I ever was, was a bit mean and hard on others. I have never chosen to hurt anybody unnecessary. My curses are effective but usually mild. Overall I am kind to most people not because Satan or any other religion requires that of me, but because I choose to be that way. I believe “love” is fundamental. I love my family and my coven and many of my friends. I believe love is as fundamental to Satanists as to anyone else. And it is fundamental to Satan.
I have come to understand better than ever that good and evil are relative and totally dependent on context. But what I am (and what you are) comes from ourselves and no outside source.
I am self centred. We all are, but Satanists are honest and practical about the fact. Pretending not to be self centred is just a step away from abdicating responsibility for your life.
I believe in and worship Satan because I choose to. Satan doesn’t want or need servile robots.
In exploring my darkest side, I have come to appreciate lighter side better.
I am evil and I am good. We all are actually. Knowing it, and working with those truths is helpful if you want to progress. Experience is a good teacher. Living Satanism is living fully and being true to yourself.
Let me preface by saying you absolutely don’t have to be in a coven or a group of any type to be a Satanist. Indeed the vast majority of Satanists are probably solitary practitioners.
I decided to write this post because to outsiders membership of a coven is perhaps one of the most obvious aspects of “Living Satanism” which is my theme of the month. Also we have occasionally received questions about what we actually do in our group.
There are many Satanic covens and groups. I certainly would not recommend all of them. To anyone looking for such a group I would say be patient, look around and don’t be tempted by the first group you come across if it doesn’t match your criteria. (So decide what you are looking for and what you want and don’t want from membership of a group before you start looking). There is nudity and some sexual content in some groups (including ours), check first and if you are not comfortable with that, don’t join. And a final warning, there are some very nasty and exploitative people around who will use the guise of a Satanic group to further their own sexual or other agendas. I’d say the first rule of anybody calling themselves a Satanist is “Personal Responsibility” so if you find yourself in a group which you think is doing anything illegal or harmful, look after yourself, leave quickly and safely and if necessary report them to whatever seems to be the appropriate authority. Stay safe and never be bullied or feel obliged to do anything you don’t want to do.
Very quickly my history of coven membership is as follows. Before I was a Satanist I was Wiccan and a member of a Wiccan Coven. I am a very social person and the group dynamics of being part of a coven was an attraction to me. I felt it also helped and amplified the effect of witchcraft which in one way or another had been an element of my spiritual path for a long time. There was nudity in some of the meetings and rituals in the Wiccan coven, and I was always comfortable with that. When I took the big step of becoming a Satanist and admitting to myself and others where my spiritual heart really was; I wanted to be part of a group because of the social aspect and because I was used to that dynamic, and more importantly because I felt the need to embrace Satanic Life as fully and completely as I could. Thus, being the person that I am, I sought out a coven. I was lucky (Satan helps those who help themselves!) and found a reasonably local group quite quickly. (This was in Britain). They turned out to be very decent people and looked after me well. I studied and socialised with them and gradually took part in more of their activities and rituals. They never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want. There were some aspects of their rituals which were similar to what I had known in Wicca, but some things which were very different, darker and clearly Left Hand Path in nature. There was nudity in some meetings and rituals (which I was used to) and some sexual elements which I was not used to but didn’t object to. Within about a year I was a full member and participated in everything the coven did. I was very happy there and felt I was growing and changing in ways I needed to. After another year because of my life and my job I was spending more and more time in Switzerland and was unable to keep my coven commitments as regularly as I wanted to. I became an associate member rather than a full member and Sophie and I started meeting with like minded people at home in Zurich. Gradually, what began as a group of open minded people from several different religious and non religious traditions morphed into a group reflecting mine and Sophie’s satanic views. Our own coven was born.
Before I describe what we do in our coven I would like to stress that all Satanic groups and covens are different. We do our coven in our way with our priorities. We have adapted things we have learned elsewhere. What we do as a group is not necessarily representative of what all or even most Satanic covens do.
WE have ten full members at present and a few people who join with us occasionally including our daughter Leonie. We aim to meet about once a month but it is sometimes more often and sometimes lass often. Our members are all Theistic Satanists, but we allow a wide variety of opinions about what that means exactly. Sophie and three other members of our group used to be Buddhists. Several of us used to be Wiccan or Pagan. The rest mainly had no fixed religious or spiritual beliefs before becoming Satanists although several were brought up in loosely Christian families. I am the nominal High Priestess of our coven, mainly just because I started it and tend to play a more dominant role in setting our agenda. In all practical respects Sophie is our main organiser and Coven Mother. Sometimes because of work and travel I can’t attend meetings, in which case Sophie takes over completely. At the moment we have six women and four men as permanent members which perhaps gives our group a more feminine dimension. Our coven is dedicated to Satan of course, but also to Lilith. We hold three kinds of meetings which come under the headings of ‘Social’, ‘Magical’, or ‘Ritual’. A few meetings have aspects of all three.
Social meetings are mainly a chance to get together, chat, drink and have fun. We also use these meetings to learn from each other, to share and discuss books or web-sites we have read related to Satanism and to offer each other practical tips for living Satanically. As the most experienced witch in the group I also teach aspects of witchcraft. We also share and listen to music and art connected with our beliefs. Finally, during these type of meetings we do our planning and discuss any ideas for ritual or magic. For social meetings we usually rotate around our members homes and each member has a chance to decorate the room we will meet in, in their own distinctive style.
Some of our meetings are designed specifically to do magical work. We do all consider ourselves to be witches, people who use the full extent of our knowledge and experience to effect change. We use herbs, we use potions, we use spells and incantations, we evoke and invoke powers within and beyond us, we use psychology and science. We use the power of our collective will and focus to make things happen. We use magic to help us progress as a group and in our individual lives, to minimise obstacles in our way, to promote good health, to heal ourselves and our loved ones, for protection of ourselves and our environment, to bring about desired outcomes in our communities, and if necessary to deal with people who oppose or threaten us in some way. (While we don’t rule out full blown curses and dark magic, we can usually achieve our aims in more positive ways). While some magic can be done with the minimum of preparation, fuss or ritual; there are some workings which need to be more elaborate. So some magic oriented meetings happen in our homes and for others we hire rooms or go out into the country and work outside.
Some of our meetings are specifically for ritual. There are two main kinds of ritual we perform. The first I call rituals of alignment. These are rituals specifically designed to highlight and underscore the fact that we are Theistic Satanists, to acknowledge and honour Satan as a force or energy and as an aspect of ourselves. To align our wills, our minds, bodies and souls with Satan and to seek knowledge, guidance and inspiration from the Satanic realm. We all see these as the most important and transformative aspect of our Satanic lives and identities. We are very aware of the changes and empowerment we have felt as a cumulative result of these rituals. Our rituals include our own version of the Black Mass and mark transitional points in the year such as Samhain/Halloween and Beltane/Walpurgis Night. The second kind of ritual that we have are celebrations and inductions. Inductions are mainly for new members, to welcome them to the coven and fully align them with our outlook and agenda. We do also perform inductions when we feel that any member (including ourselves) has reached a significant point of progress in their Satanic lives or understanding. Celebrations mainly revolve around birthdays which as Satanists we think are some of the most important personal landmarks. Celebratory rituals nearly always extend into social evenings;-parties!
We are not heavily into ceremonial attire although most of us do own robes which we wear on some magical or ritual occasions. For most meetings we wear loose fitting, generally black or dark clothes. Most rituals and magical work are performed naked. There are some rituals and magical working which involve consensual, ritualistic sex. Our members are made well aware of that before joining and it is always possible to opt out for personal reasons.
I suppose in a way our Coven Life is the most obvious physical and practical manifestation of living Satanically. We have found it very useful in redefining ourselves. But it is hidden. Nobody outside our circle really knows that we meet as a coven at all.
Sometimes “living Satanism” is a much more personal thing. Satanism challenges us to transform our own lives on a daily basis, to confront and break our own personal taboos in order to grow and advance. It is not always comfortable or easy. In the third and final part of this series of posts I will share a little bit of my own journey and transformation in recent years.
I recently got a notification from WordPress that it is ten years since I started blogging here (where has the time gone)? It seemed like a prompt to write something. I have been neglecting this blog while getting on with other projects, work and life in general. I don’t want to do a post looking back to ten years ago and charting how things have changed; I have done enough of those for the time being. When I started thinking about what to write there were several different ideas that came to mind but it seemed to me they all came under a similar theme; Living Satanism. There are going to be three parts to this which I hope to complete over a short period of time so that I can then get on with other things. In the second part I’d like to talk a bit about the coven Sophie and I run. We haven’t mentioned it much in our blogs but I suppose in some ways it is one of the clearest and most obvious aspects of our lives as Satanists. In the third part I want to talk about a journey I have been on;- exploring the darker elements of my life and my soul and coming to some conclusions about what that has taught me… So far… But I will begin with a fairly short and simple update on what my family and I have been up to and where we are at in our lives.
I have been very busy at work and that means I have been travelling more than ever. So far this year I have not been out of Europe but I haven’t had much time at home. I have been to every corner of Germany and have spent time in Austria, Italy, Spain, France, The Czech Republic and Romania. Having a whole weekend at home in Zurich has become a bit of a rare luxury. When it happens Sophie and I try to do nothing but relax, eat, drink and enjoy the wicked pleasures that we Satanic, omnisexual women are famous for! When I can’t get home, we sometimes try and arrange to meet up at swinger parties in locations close to where I am working. This has become a significant aspect of our lives and might be mentioned more in the third part of this little series of blog entries.
I am not sure if I mentioned it here previously but I have now got a Swiss passport. The ongoing, idiotic, Brexit mess of my home country became too much to bare. Besides which I can’t afford not to have a passport which guarantees me free movement in Europe. Switzerland is not actually in the EU but has so many bilateral agreements it might just as well be. Most importantly, it IS in the schengen free movement area. So yes, I’m turning into a Swiss person… I even have a bit of a Zurich accent!
When I have time, I have been writing a book about Satanism. It has had several false starts but seems to be progressing a bit more smoothly now. I am hoping to get it published sometime next year, but I’m not making any promises yet.
That’s enough about me for now; I will say more in parts two and three.
Sophie has become our coven mother and does all the hard work organising the coven since I am seldom at home between meetings. This takes up a fair amount of her time and she is very good at it. Her life has changed considerably over the last year and will do even more so from now on. She has resigned from her full time teaching job and will now only work as a consultant for the school on a part time basis. This will actually allow her to focus more on the aspects of the job that mean the most to her, starting with a project to set up a kind of half way house for students who cannot live at home while finishing their final years at school. Hopefully she will also have more free time as well. She has started painting a lot more which is great and we have some plans for her to do an exhibition next year. She is also doing more musical projects and is playing regularly in a band now.
Leonie is enjoying university life and is working and playing very hard. During the summer she has been doing an internship with a country vet and when that has finished she is going to Ibiza to party for a couple of weeks before her studies begin again. I get to meet up with her once every couple of months and it is always fun. It is fair to say she has very fully embraced all aspects of Satanic life. She is a lot like I was at her age but braver and more wicked than I would have dared to be at the same age. But the thinks deeply about stuff and I am impressed with the things she writes in her blog Femme Diabolique. It’s like reading my thoughts through the lens of somebody who has never really been anything but a Satanist.
That’s all for this post. In the next part of this short series I want to talk about our coven. What does a Satanic Coven do, what does it mean? Is it essential to Satanic life? How does it work? And what kind of people are members of such a thing?
My daughter Léonie recently celebrated her nineteenth birthday. She is an adult in every way now, though still my child of course. Apparently some mothers feel sad and depressed when their children start to grow up, when they begin to leave their innocent childhood behind and start behaving as adults. Honestly, I never felt that. Perhaps because of my Satanic philosophy and lifestyle, or perhaps just because it is the way I am, while I enjoyed and cherished Léonie as a child I always wanted her to grow up and become an empowered young woman. For me that was always the mission and purpose of being a mother; to protect and nurture the child and help her become a wise and intelligent adult who could take care of herself. I believe I have succeeded.
Only five years ago, when she was then 14, I remember when she announced one night that she had started smoking. Some may think I should have been shocked or angry, but in fact, being the wicked woman that I am, I was actually quite pleased. We sat down at the kitchen table and smoked together for the first time and I saw my first glimpse of a more grown up Léonie. The transformation had begun. Some months later she told Cassie and I that she was also a Satanist. We actually didn’t want her to make such a big decision as that at her age and we only accepted it with a pinch of salt, thinking she would change her mind. But we underestimated her conviction. She read, she learned and she took it all very seriously. She has continued to do so ever since. By the time she was sixteen she had become interested in boys and sex. But while some daughters might have been secretive about such things, she came to me and asked to have a serious chat about things which lead eventually to me accompanying her to the birth control clinic. I saw this not only as a sign that she was growing up rapidly, but also as a sign that she was growing up wisely. It made me proud.
A week ago Cassie and I took Léonie to Berlin to celebrate her birthday. It was a busy and highly enjoyable few days with a mixture of culture and night life, well to be honest on this occasion nightlife fun took priority. For me it was nice to spend time in the company of my adult daughter; just two Satanic women out to have fun and debauchery! It was clear from the start that Léonie has her own tastes and ideas and is a very free spirit indeed. Of course, as a mother, there are a few of her tastes and choices that I may not fully agree with or approve of, but she is generally wise, rational and very independent so I think I have less to worry about than some mothers. Overall, she is a bright and fun woman I’d be happy to spend time with as a friend even if we weren’t related.
The reason I am referring so much to my daughter and praising her up in this post, is to promote her own blog which I will detail later. The reason for that is that Cassie and I have been neglecting this blog a bit recently and in truth that situation is likely to continue for a while. There are two main reasons for this. Firstly we are simply both very busy with our jobs and our lives. Secondly, when we do get round to writing a blog post these days, we often quickly realise that we are repeating something we already said months or years before. I guess there is nothing wrong with repetition sometimes but too much of it feels stale and uninspiring. Léonie, on the other hand, has a new and fresh perspective. Unlike Cassie or myself she was brought up in a Satanic family and embraced Satanism from early in her teens. It has pretty much always been her world view and she approaches everything she does from that perspective and with the energy her youth gives her. Her views are very similar to ours, but as regular readers will know, no two Satanists believe exactly the same. So I feel her blog, Femme Diabolique, has a freshness and vitality that some of our readers might enjoy while our own posts remain a bit sporadic. I think in some ways she is bolder and less tactful than us. She is part of the next generation and is never afraid to speak her mind or challenge conventions.
Cassie and I will continue blogging here, but there is no way we can increase our post count at the moment. So if you want to maintain or increase your exposure to us wicked ladies, please do check out and follow Léonie’s blog! Femme Diabolique
So I celebrated my birthday this weekend; my 40th Birthday!
I started writing various things on the internet when I was a teenager and the blogs developed in my twenties. I have now reached an age where I am constantly asking myself; “where did the time go?” Moreover, isn’t 40 an age that is supposed to mean something? An age where you magically and resentfully become middle aged?
Well, clearly I’m getting a bit older. There have been grey hairs lurking beneath layers of dye for quite a while. But I seem to be aging fairly well, the diabolical lifestyle, hard work, late nights burning the candle at both ends, smoking, drinking, sex, drugs and rock’n’roll, don’t seem to be doing me too much harm… Well, I get more aches and pains than I used to and there are a few wrinkles which I prefer to call “laughter lines”. I’m not yet menopausal but that will come and I don’t really fear it. Being a witch helps with that. I have felt the maiden, the mother and the crone within me come into their own at various times in my life. I like my inner crone and when my ink stained skin shrivels up and reveals the scary crone within, she will be wearing a wicked smile!
I still feel young, and maybe that is the key. I have never really bought in to the stereotypes of how people should be or behave at various ages. I think if you keep busy and if you maintain your curiosity and enthusiasm for life, you’ll probably feel younger than you are, and you may look younger too.
While I don’t feel any special need to mark the coming of middle age, forty is a bit of a landmark for any woman, and I will use this opportunity to take stock and perhaps say a few things that I haven’t said before about my life and my beliefs.
I am generally a positive and happy person but that doesn’t mean my life has been without problems. I was always adventurous and made some mistakes along the way. While I still occasionally use various recreational drugs from time to time, when I was in my late teens I went through a short period of indulging in that side of life too excessively with several negative consequences, the most serious of which was getting raped. I now understand that I wasn’t to blame for the actual rape at all; but clearly cocaine impaired my decision making faculties and my ability to be fully responsible for myself. I’ll just leave that there for people to think about. In the meantime I recovered, grew up a lot and did not allow that horrible experience to negatively impact the rest of my life. But I had a strong will, supportive friends and family and spiritual/philosophical/psychological aspect to my life which helped me a lot. Not everyone is so lucky.
Almost certainly the two biggest things I have had to cope with were the break up of my parents and the illness and death of my mother. I have never said a lot about either of these things and probably won’t say much more now. As a child I thought I had a charmed life with the happiest and most devoted parents anyone could imagine. In my twenties I discovered that much of that had been an illusion and that my father had been routinely cheating on my mother and then he left her just when she needed him most. Then my mother had a series of small strokes and was diagnosed with a form of early onset dementia. I spent several years watching her mental and physical state decline in ways that would have been an embarrassment to her until her death at a young age came as both a relief and a hammer blow to my soul. I don’t think you ever really “get over” things like that, you just deal with it as best as you can, move forward and get on with living; taking care of yourself and the people you love.
I was blessed that at a time when I was more broken than I let on, I met Sophie and Léonie. Neither Sophie nor I are really lesbians (we are bi or pansexual if you have to put a label on it) but we are absolute soul mates and we fell in love almost instantly. Over the years our relationship has grown and changed in many ways but it is the rock and the cornerstone on which much of my life rests. We take a certain amount of pride that our love and our relationship is not defined or limited by conventional norms but works because we understand what is best for ourselves and each other.
I have not had a child of my own and I have taken a decision that I am not going to do that. You’d be surprised (or maybe not) at the amount of grief and anger I have been confronted with because I chose not to gestate a child in my belly. Even in the overpopulated 21st century there seem to be a lot of people (including some women) who think that if you decide not to have children you are somehow betraying your sex or humanity itself. Well, pardon my language but, fuck them!
But when I met Sophie, I also met Léonie and I couldn’t love her more even if she had sprung from my own womb. Somehow she just accepted me (which I am eternally grateful for) and I became like an older sister and sometimes second mum to her. It has been a privilege to watch her grow up and develop into the wise young woman she has become. She reminds me of myself at her age in many ways but she is far more grounded and sensible. Oh of course she can be a rebel too, and there will always be things she sees and does differently to me or Sophie but I’m immensely proud of her and the small part that my motherly hormones and guidance play in her life.
I have learned that you don’t have to physically give birth in order to be a decent mother. In fact you don’t have to have children at all, in many ways I am at my most maternal when I am guiding and nurturing the coven that Sophie and I run.
From my own life experiences I decided to be as honest as possible with Léonie about my relationship with Sophie. In fact we seldom argue and even more rarely have full blown fights, but if Sophie and I are having any form of disagreement we don’t hide it from Léonie. We are equally open with our affection for each other. And as Léonie has become old enough to understand such things we have also been open and honest with her about our sometimes unconventional sex lives.
I never set out to be unconventional in any way just for the sake of it. But neither have I ever been shy about challenging conventions when I feel it is right to do so. Perhaps, with hindsight, that attitude was fundamental in the spiritual path which eventually lead to me becoming a Satanist. That step was a big one for me and I was fully aware of the misgivings and misconceptions most people (including family and friends) would have about me becoming a Satanist. I did lose touch with and lose the respect of some people as a result of that but I also made new friends along the way. I don’t think I could ever have foreseen how all consuming and life changing that step would be. Sophie and I are now at the centre of a coven which is like an extended family and takes up a lot of our time and thought. I write about Satanism and administer and participate in several Satanic groups on line and in person.
At a deep personal level I have been liberated and changed in many ways. My values and thought processes have evolved along with my self confidence and the skills and knowledge I have acquired as a witch. Satan and Satanism have become central to my family and I and the lifestyles we enjoy. I have always understood that Satanism is not right, necessary or even helpful to everyone. But for some of us it the door that needs to be pushed open. Moreover I have always felt and still feel a sense of mission and purpose in presenting a more positive image of Satanism than is often seen in the media.
But I am not a perfect example of anything. There are many more knowledgeable Satanists than I. Many 40 year old women are far more experienced and wiser than I am in most aspects of life. And there are plenty of nicer, more sensible, healthier and more successful women around…
But I am me and I quite like being me! I know better than most that there are no guarantees in life about health, success or longevity. And I don’t minimise my own risks as much as some people would think is sensible. Yet, at 40 I still feel young. I am as curious as ever about life, the universe and everything and after a good amount of celebrating I intend to go on exploring and trying to be the best version of myself I can be.
It’s an old joke, but relevant; “How do you like your coffee?… Black like my soul!”
And it is really true for the three of us as we sit here drinking coffee and satisfying our nicotine cravings to the degree that by now our lungs might also be as black as our souls. During the past couple of weeks we have indulged all our vices to excess, we have enjoyed parties that others might describe as orgies, we have organised and participated in dark rituals, we have invoked demons and given thanks and praise to Satan for all that we learn, all that we enjoy and all that we are.
We have immersed ourselves in the dark side of life more fully and completely than any of us could have imagined or predicted a few years ago. We have become the kind of women that Christian missionaries and fundamentalists have nightmares about. And without doubt we would seek to seduce and corrupt any such people who come our way.
We are Satanic women, Devil Worshipers, sisters of demons, emissaries of hell. Hail Satan!
While all of the above is certainly true, it is mainly written in the context of language and understanding that is not, and should not, be part of our beliefs. We have chosen a path that is described as dark by our enemies and it is difficult not to fall into the trap of allowing our enemies to define us. I don’t mind the word “dark” or even “evil”, but the question then is, who defines what is dark or evil? It is an old question we frequently come back to in this blog, but it is always relevant.
Lets look at that first paragraph again and try to frame the same things in more neutral language.
Recently, like many people during the season of winter festivities, we have over indulged in many of the things we enjoy. We have eaten a lot of good, rich food. We have eaten too many chocolates and sweet things. We drank more alcohol than we normally do. We smoked a lot of cigarettes and a few cigars. We smoked a bit of weed and popped a few pills and substances that are illegal in some places. We had more than the normal amount of consensual sex of various types. We enjoyed these activities all the more for realising that it would be unhealthy and impractical to devote this amount of time to our personal pleasure every day of the year. We thanked the God we believe in for the times we were enjoying and used our imagination to create rituals of thanks to him. In doing so we reconfirmed our commitment to him and our desire to learn more on our chosen spiritual path.
Is that really dark or evil?
Is it really any darker than what a lot of supposedly respectable folk did while letting their hair down during the festive season? Sure, we are more open about the sex and drugs part, but just because others don’t speak about it as freely as we have on this occasion, does it really mean that they don’t do it as well?
Of course the difference is that we admit to being Satanists, and that makes everything we do dark, doesn’t it? While we are open about enjoying our hedonistic impulses; those are not the only things we do. We are three women… One of us is studying to became a vet and work in animal conservation. She is a grade A student who devotes some of her free time to looking after refugees. One of us donates a sizeable amount of her income to UNICEF and other charities. One of us devotes much of her time when she is not officially working with troubled teenagers, to working in a half way house for homeless and abused young people. Does the fact that we are Satanists and do not claim to be virginal “white lighters” darken and diminish these other things we do?
But while what I have said until now could be seen as a criticism of the hypocrisy of the goody goodies who judge our Satanic lifestyle, Satanists also need to be careful how the darkness they enjoy is defined, and who defines it.
How would it be if Jehova Witnesses got to define what is right or wrong, good or bad, light or dark for Buddhists? Ridiculous right? What if Hindus became the judges of what was moral or immoral for Jews? A stupid idea or…?
And yet as Satanists we quite often fall into the trap of allowing our own morals and ethics to be defined by other religions, and in particular by the religion that has the biggest axe to grind against us. Are we really dark and evil just because Christians say that we are? No we aren’t. We chose Satan not because we believe him to be evil as Christians insist; but because we know that he isn’t. We enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle not because we believe it is wrong and harmful but because we believe it can be right and helpful.
Yet most, if not all, Satanists (including all three of us) go through a stage of believing we are evil and indeed celebrating that fact. It leads some into acts of evil and depravity they would not have considered before but they unwittingly buy into the Christian concept of evil and suppose that since they have chosen to follow the devil, they are damned and might as well act accordingly. That is the road to Reverse Christianity, and it is NOT what Satanism is about. This should be obvious but it is frequently obscured by the prevailing Christian culture.
We must strive to define Satanism and Satan himself by ourselves, and not get sucked into being how Christians think we should be.
So what is the darkness that we love and immerse ourselves in?
Actually it is rather like the Dark Matter and Dark Energy which scientists seek to understand. The word dark in that context does not mean bad or evil, it simply means unknown and mysterious. An unknown force which has a profound effect on the entire universe. As Satanists we seek to explore the dark areas of ourselves and learn how it shapes us. We believe (and many psychologists, especially of the Jungian type, agree with us) that working with our darker nature, our shadow side, is a quite essential aspect of personal growth and development.
We choose to explore the darkness and all that is within it because we cannot truly know ourselves otherwise. We seek to know, and understand and progress. There are many religions that would prefer that we didn’t know, understand or progress. There are many gods (or ideas of gods) that would be threatened by the idea of humans reaching their full potential and not needing jealous gods anymore. Satan isn’t like like. Even Satan’s enemies agree that his biggest “crime” was bringing us knowledge and enlightenment, of removing us from the influence of lesser gods.
Darkness as we define it is therefore a school of knowledge and empowerment.
I guess that by now, according to a lot of people, we are evil sinners beyond redemption. That’s okay, we don’t want redemption. We are content to be evil sinners. In fact we don’t do much that is either bad or wrong or even illegal by a lot of common standards. We don’t kill anybody. We don’t kill animals except for food and we try to buy meat from ethical places where the animals have been kept in good condition. We generally don’t hurt people or animals at all. We are generally kind and respectful to everybody we meet unless they give us good reason not to be. We obey the laws of the land about as much as most people do. We work hard. We pay our taxes. We are mindful and respectful of the environment. We recycle. But we are Satanists. We worship (according to our own definition) Satan; The Devil. We live by Satanic precepts. And these facts alone are enough to be deemed evil and beyond redemption by many people. And I have realised that according to those sort of people our greatest sin may be that we make being Satanists seem quite okay. We are perhaps leading people who read our blogs “into temptation”.
Yes we are. Yes I am. I confess… I do aim to tempt people. I do see it as a duty and a bit of a mission to bring people to a different and more positive understanding of Satan and Satanism. I am happy when people I have reached in some way turn to Satanism. And it does happen. I have interested many people locally to join our coven. I have helped them to overcome their doubts and prejudices and I have felt satisfied when they fully commit to Sataniism. I have reached out to people on line who are just curious and lead them to become Satanists themselves. Indeed this theme is on my mind because such a thing occurred very recently. There is a new fully committed Satanist in the world who attributes at least part of her reason to my influence on her. It is quite a big responsibility and I’m not sure exactly what I should think about that.
But I don’t feel any guilt. What some people call temptation, I call discovery and enlightenment. I am a Satanist not because I think it is bad; but because I think it is good. I think it prompts us to use our intellect and to come to our own conclusions about what is right or wrong for ourselves. I think Satan weans us off passive acceptance of orthodox beliefs and helps us to think for ourselves. I don’t feel any shame for encouraging other people to do that.
But what if I am wrong? What if when I die I discover I signed up for the wrong side? Well I’m a grown up and a big girl. If I am wrong, I am wrong. I will take the consequences. I have chosen the road to hell. I don’t believe hell is remotely the way Christians portray it. I don’t think I believe in hell as a place at all (but that is a theme for another post). So yes, I have chosen this path, this way of life and if hell is the consequence, so be it. Well, that’s fine for me. But what happens if somebody else chooses this path partly because of me, and later they regret their decision. Should I feel bad about that?
Probably there were many individuals who influenced my decision to immerse myself in Satanism. Should I hold them responsible in the unlikely event that further down the line I decide that was a mistake? Of course not! We are intelligent creatures with the ability to think for ourselves. No matter who I listen to, no matter who influences me; my decisions are mine and mine alone. If I or others can’t accept that, then what is the point of having a mind or free will? Thus, no matter how I influence other people, their decisions are theirs alone.
Of course I am saying that from a Satanic perspective. We believe in the strength and power of our own will above all else. I will be honest. There is a grey area when it comes to dealing with those who are weak minded or weak willed. Many of us (probably most) voluntarily limit the power of our will when dealing with children or those who are easily confused or fooled due to physical or mental incapacity of some sort. But in general we do not limit our strengths in order not to overpower the weak. I put it like this; should all alcohol use be banned because some people are unable to handle it?
As a potential temptress (of the spiritual, philosophical or any other kind) the line I might be accused of crossing is a Satanic one. In general we are not at all evangelical. We don’t preach. We don’t proselytize. We think that those of “our kind” will tend to find Satanism in their own way. Fine, but there have to be things to find…
When I made what was indeed a big decision to turn away from the cultural norms and values I had been brought up with and seek something new and more real for me, there wasn’t that much to signpost me in the right direction. The few books and websites which I found invaluable, were only there because somebody had gone to the trouble to write them. So I have always felt an impulse to add to the useful stuff that genuine searchers may find useful… There are many intelligent and thoughtful people who read my stuff but don’t become Satanists. I have a lot of respect for those people. But if some do find what we write here to be one of the final turning points in their decision to become Satanists… Good. I can’t say I am not pleased.
So yes. We aim to confound and confront. We aim to make people question what they have assumed. We aim to tempt people to explore the Left Hand Path…
Take a bite of the apple. Knowledge is good. Knowledge is power. Go on, you know you want to!