Growing Our HornsPosted: March 1, 2016
I noticed Tina playing around on the computer making images of the three of us with various versions of Devil’s horns growing out of our heads. When we started to discuss the pictures she said that she had seen such things in her dreams. It then turned out we had all seen similar dream images of ourselves from time to time. Is that a typical Satanic thing? I don’t know. Maybe it is just a family thing for us. I guess it is not such a surprising image for the three of us to have in our heads considering the amount of time and energy we all devote to various Satanic projects. In any case it provoked some discussion and reflection among us and became the starting point for this post.
I quite like the idea of having demonic or devilish horns growing out of my head although, for practical reasons, it would probably be best if only other Satanists could see them! In some ways I would like an outward sign which could be recognizable to like minded persons of what my true beliefs and values are. Cassie and I are more open than a lot of Satanists, but still we have to be sensible and discrete… Sometimes that is annoying and it would be nice to be fully ourselves all the time without fear of prejudice or judgement. And perhaps it would also be useful for our beliefs to truly be as obvious as having horns on our head so that we were forced to be brave and be ready to defend our principles all the time in every situation.
In the images Tina has drawn my horns are a visible symbol of the ways in which I have changed and grown since becoming a Satanist. After decades of spiritual searching and following other philosophies it is now hard to believe that I could ever have been anything other than a Satanist. And perhaps in my heart I never was anything else. In a few short years I have fully immersed myself in everything Satanic and now find myself as one of the leaders of a progressive Satanic coven. I am finally being the person I want to be and living a life with clear purpose and meaning. So I wear my metaphoric horns with pride.
I must also say I am very proud of my daughter and the philosophical and spiritual direction she has chosen. I was hesitant at first about her decision to embrace Satanism herself. And if I am honest, a few years ago I might have been quite judgmental about any mother allowing or even encouraging her daughter to be a Satanist. Well my views on that have clearly changed. I am proud of my daughter in every way and the image she created of herself wearing horns pleases me greatly. It took me a while to find my true self and I learned a lot on the way to where I am now. My daughter’s journey will be different because she starts off from a fully Satanic perspective. This intrigues me but I know she will still have much to learn and question as she goes through life. However, I can only see advantages to the way Satanism has helped her to grow and develop so far and I think entering adult life as a Satanist already will give her strength and wisdom. (Sophie)
Tina Writing… So my pictures started this post and yes I often have dreams in which my mum (Sophie), Cassie and I have horns. I can’t remember exactly what happens in those dreams (they are all different anyway and don’t always make much sense) but I guess our horns have some meaning… Part of it may be because I have seen Mum and Cassie wearing horns. They have some which they use in their coven meetings. And of course I have tried them on and I like them. I am kind of impatient for the day when I can take a full part in those meetings, but that is a few years away yet… I could get some of my own for my own rituals I suppose. Maybe next time we visit an occult shop… When I am drawing on the computer, Cassie is the easiest to do. Horns suit her. She looks good as a demoness!
Anyway, what does it mean to me? I guess seeing us with horns is a symbol of what we are but can’t show to everybody. We are people who are on Satan’s side. We are people who are not in the mainstream. We know our own minds and live by our own morals. And these are things which a lot of people fear. It forces us to be a bit secretive but it means our friends are real friends. When I am with my friends at school (most of whom are not “real” friends) I feel like a spectator. I watch them acting like sheep, following the same fashions, sharing the same things on facebook, having the same problems with their boyfriends and just accepting the same supposed truths about everything without ever questioning anything, I feel like Alice In Wonderland! It’s like everybody else is on drugs and I’m not! I suppose I could just join in and sometimes I do pretend to, but it’s not the real me. Actually I think the real me is the one with horns! I read stuff they would think is really dark but it gives me another perspective. I do some of the things they do, but I think differently about it. I have a boyfriend too; unfortunately he is not really a Satanist but he is a pagan which is close… I am trying to convince him to fully join the dark side!
So for me the horns I see in my dreams and sometimes draw on my computer are symbols of our inner selves… Our true selves. (Tina)
(Cassie) So, I’m the most like a demon, am I? Well I guess I take that as a compliment! In my opinion Tina’s horns are just as impressive and I think, symbolically speaking, we all have horns now and wear them with pride. To some this post may seem too self indulgent and ephemeral. Well we make no apology for being self indulgent. I think the title is important however. It is actually about “growing” our horns or, to put it in a less ephemeral way, growing as Satanists.
Actually, just like Tina, I have seen myself and my family in various dreams sporting devil’s horns. A decade ago such visions might have disturbed me. Now I find them comforting. The imagery and symbolism is fairly obvious and I think Sophie and Tina have already summed up the symbolic meaning of such images. I’d like to concentrate more on the growth aspect.
Becoming a Satanist is for most people a big step and marks a major turning point in their life, their priorities and their values. And, as I have spoken of before, it is often accompanied by a very tangible and physical feeling of change within the person. But growth does not stop there. A Satanist should always be learning and growing and should expect certain challenges as they embrace the individual nature of Satanism. Approaching life from an entirely Satanic, Left Hand Path perspective will mean change, it will mean letting go of some former assumptions and accepting some things that may once have seemed foreign or wrong. In order to allow yourself to grow you have to abandon some of the false pride, false modesty and false niceties by which others have known you and you have known yourself. It can be difficult and painful because many of your former friends will not be able to like or accept the person you are becoming. So growing your horns may indeed sometimes hurt. At the same time, those horns begin to mark you out. There are times when you can’t or don’t want to hide them. There are times when you have to be the person you are. At such times it is really best to wear your horns with pride. The pain they might sometimes cause as they grow makes them valuable and beautiful. And they will continue to grow as you do.
Most of what I have written here and in other blogs since I fully adopted Satanism has been quite positive, but of course there have been dark and difficult times too. I lost a lot of friends. I had serious periods of self doubt. I made mistakes. I embarrassed myself in various ways. I experienced the stupid and nasty side of Satanism. I hurt people I didn’t mean to. I had to deal with various forms of grief. But, as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” And I have certainly changed and I am certainly stronger. While I have decided not to have children myself I find myself in full mother mode! In my heart Tina is my daughter and I will love and protect her as fiercely as any Satanic mother. But I have also become the principle mother figure in our coven and I am relishing that role. In doing that, I think I have finally shed any remaining ghosts of the pre-satanic Cassie.
So beyond the obvious I think our horns represent our growth as Satanists. They will continue to grow as an expression of accepting and developing our true inner nature. It does’t matter if other Satanists don’t visualize this in the same way. What does matter for ourselves and I think for all people, is continual growth and a continual acceptance and honesty about who and what we are. Those of us who recognize and work with the darker aspects of ourselves perhaps have a head start in that.
Well now as it happens the day on which we are ready to publish this post is my birthday. Birthdays are very important to Satanists. I intend to celebrate fully with as much sin and debauchery as possible!
Are my horns showing? I should fucking hope so!