Goodbye Childhood, Hello Darkness and DeathPosted: October 31, 2015
Earlier this year our good friend Blau Stern died in an accident. We were all really shocked. I didn’t know him as well as my Mum or Cassie but he wrote some nice comments on my posts and always seemed to be very supportive of me. I was really sad when he died.
He seemed to accept me for who I am without asking dumb questions or treating me differently because of my age.He sort of felt a bit like an uncle. He wrote some very complicated things in his blog which I didn’t always understand but I liked reading his stuff anyway .I’m not sure I will ever know as much about magic as he did, but I do kind of hope that when I’m older I really understand some of the complicated magical and occult things he was into.
I want to be a wise witch. I want the occult to be part of every moment of my life. I want to understand Satan and Satanism as well as anybody can. I want to be a good example of what it is to be a Satanist like my mother and Cassie are.
Halloween is a time when we believe the veil between life and death is thin. Some believe the spirits of the dead return at this time of year. I don’t really believe that exactly; but I do believe it is a time of year when the things people think are dark or scary are closer. So with that as the background, this is a kind of letter to Blau Stern just saying where I’m at and what my plans are now.
I am fifteen years old. So I’m still young but I am not a child. And I don’t want to be a child any more. That doesn’t mean I am all grown up; obviously. But really I’m not a child. That part is over. Satanists are hungry for knowledge and experience and I am a 15 year old Satanist. Or to put it another way, I am choosing to eat the apple of knowledge, leave the garden of Eden and go my own way and be my own Goddess.
I chose to be a Satanist over a year ago and I don’t regret it at all. As I get older perhaps I understand what that decision means more and more and I am more convinced every day. I guess it is about choosing sides and priorities. I am on the side of Satan. I am an enemy of his enemies. I am a friend of his friends. I look to Satan for guidance because I believe Satan is my true self. I am on the Left Hand Path of spiritual things. I start with myself and look outwards from there. In magic and ritual I work with the forces that others call dark. I am learning about demons and I will work with them. I like animals and see myself as just another animal; but one with a mind that can learn and grow. For morals I will learn from the people I respect and use Satanic teachings as my main guide but I don’t believe in good or evil. Everything depends on the situation.
I want to thank my Mum and Dad and Cassie for keeping me safe and making me have a really great childhood. It was the best! But now I want to make more and more of my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions. I know my parents and Cassie won’t let me do that fully just yet, but I will be pushing!
So this Halloween while the Coven have their ritual I will make my own. I will rededicate myself to Satan and my ritual will be more complicated and darker than last year. I will be saying goodbye to my childhood and putting it behind me forever. I will be taking my first steps into the adult world…
And what will change? Nothing much at first I think. But sooner or later… I will study because i want to go to university in a few years time. But now I have to choose which subjects to concentrate on in the next few years. It will certainly be biology and some other sciences but I may do English as well as I already have a kind of cheat head start on that. I hope there will be a Satanists group at uni, if not I will start one!
Next spring there is a school trip to America which I hope to be on. I want some tattoos but mum says I have to wait until I’m at least 16.We will see… As a compromise I am going to have some piercings.
I don’t have a serious boyfriend at the moment, but there are plenty around who suddenly seem to like me. I think there will be some developments on that soon.
Halloween or Samhain is a time of change. It is a time of year when even people on a Right Hand Path celebrate the darker things in life. Some people are afraid of those things. I am not. As well as Blau Stern our family lost somebody else very special to us this year. If this is a time when we are closer to those who have died I welcome it. Death is part of life and nothing to be afraid of. One day I will die. Before that happens I want to live. I want to live a lot. I want to explore. I want to experiment. I want to have adventures.
Some people, (probably most people) go through life being afraid of the darker things in life and even the darker things in themselves. As a Satanist I am lucky that I don’t have to be afraid or ashamed of the darker things in me. I think that gives me an advantage and a head start in many ways.
So this Halloween will be a doorway. I will step through it leaving innocence and childhood behind me. And then me and my dark little soul will walk forward in the direction I have chosen.