Doubts and Frustrations

I have been going through a period of doubts and frustrations. I suppose it was to be expected, but it is the first such period since my initiation many months ago.

My initiation was a wonderful, cathartic experience. It changed me, or rather it allowed my true self to emerge. It was beautiful and it still gives me goosebumps to remember it. I am sure any Theistic Satanist who has undergone such an experience will know exactly what I am talking about. The buzz that accompanied my initiation lasted for weeks if not months afterwards as I felt both my mind and my body adjusting to a new consciousness of myself. I felt like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. You cannot remain on a high forever though; and slowly but surely my life returned to a calmer state as my relationship with my Lord matured.

Then about a month ago the doubts and frustrations began. They were cased largely by other Satanists who openly questioned and criticized my own Satanism. Well, taking the part of the opposer or the accuser is a theme which runs deep in many Satanic traditions so I tried to take the questions in that way; a provocation that would lead to growth. Indeed I suppose they did turn out to be just that, but the questions ran deep.

“You are not dark enough to be a Satanist.” Some said. That one was easy enough to pass off and in truth most of those accusations came from spotty teenagers whose Satanism seems to be little more than an excuse to be anti social and hide in their rooms smoking dope. But realizing that these were some of the people who represented by faith and my beliefs in other people’s minds continues to disturb me to some degree.

A more difficult accusation was, “You are just trying to redefine Satanism and make it something that it isn’t, to suit yourself.” In that, I couldn’t deny an element of truth; and the question has haunted me these past few weeks. It is true that many of my beliefs and core values seem to be at odds with the majority of Satanists I have gotten to know. One of the things I like about Satanism is that it tends to promote self expression and individualism. Therefore it seems logical not to measure your own beliefs by those of others. But are there limits? Is there a point where an individuals ideas are so far removed from the mainstream that there is no point or honesty in using the word Satanism anymore? In fact some of my views are very different even from my closest Satanic friends; people I respect deeply. Am I insulting them by claiming to be Satanist? Am I insulting the Lord himself?

I came to Satanism from a Pagan perspective. Am I trying too hard to redefine elements of Satanism in line with my pre-exiting beliefs?

Well I thought long and hard about these questions and meditated about them. Eventually I came to the Lord in prayer. The answer I received was a reminder of the reason I became a Satanist in the first place. I chose Satan because I saw something in him that most of my contemporaries didn’t, and because I saw there was much more to him than the lies and slanders that have besmirched his name over time. And he chose me, not because I was a subservient sheep, but because I am Me and my greatest gift to him can be to serve him in my own unique way.

Anyone who follows any spiritual path is learning and being challenged all the time. This particular stretch of my own path has promoted some good questions and some good learning.

I have marked all previous significant moments and periods in my life by getting a tattoo. Most of my tattoos have spiritual connotations. I now feel the time is right to mark my relationship with Satan in the same way. I know where the tattoo will go and I am looking at designs. It doesn’t mean that my doubts or frustrations are over but it means something personal to me; a sign of acceptance and commitment. I also changed my layout here slightly for the same reason.


2 Comments on “Doubts and Frustrations”

  1. You could always do to them what we Heathens start having other Heathens getting on our case.

    1) get hammer
    2) Get Like Thor
    3) go have a mead on the pile of foes.


    then again, we are a contentious lot known for our brawling about anything and everything, and our banding together when others attack. Satanist might be a bit different.

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