“What’s a nice girl like you doing here?”

I think that a lot of people who know me both online and offline would be quite shocked, worried and concerned to learn that I have become a Satanist. Indeed, some have already expressed that to me…  I guess their concern would be focused around the fact that in many sections of society the terms Satan and Satanism are equated solely with evil. So much so that even many Pagans (whose views are not much unlike my own) would go out of their way to distance themselves from any connection with Satanism. Even they view Satanism as dangerous.

So let me state this very clearly, in my opinion Satanism is not evil and does not condone evil at all. For the record I’d like to state that I am not evil and have no intention of becoming evil. There are of course some religions, primarily Christianity, that accuse and associate Satan and Satanism of being evil. So what can I say about that? I am not Christian. But I have been Christian… I have studied some aspects of Christianity in great depth. I don’t believe Christian doctrine, theology or myth is true. I don’t therefore believe the caricature of Satan as portrayed by Christianity has any truth in it. I believe that most of the evil and perverse things Christians associate with Satan are the result of slanders the Christian church used against the various manifestations of the Pagan Horned God in order to get converts and increase it’s own power. Where my views may diverge from some other Satanists is that I don’t really harbor any animosity to Christianity in general. Indeed there are individual Christians who I like and respect a great deal, even though I don’t share their beliefs. As a Satanist I accept the concept of vengeance, but not wasteful vengeance. In regard to Christianity I think I serve Satan better by speaking the truth and attempting to set the record straight in regard to Christianity rather than harboring hatred which achieves nothing.

But I digress… Why did I become a Satanist?

From an aesthetic point of view I have always been attracted to the darker side of art, style, music and design. I find a great beauty there. For many years I was immersed in the Goth lifestyle. Now, while it would be laughable to suggest that this alone was connected in any way with Satanism, I think it was an indication of where my tastes and passions rested.

From a Christian perspective I guess since my teens I would always have been perceived as more of a sinner than a saint. I have always enjoyed trying forbidden fruit and when I find a so called vice that I enjoy, I indulge myself as much as I can unless there is a good reason not to. Sexually I have never really been what I would consider promiscuous but I have certainly been active and adventurous with both men and women. And there too, some of my tastes and fetishes do tend to the darker side of the spectrum. In my late teens I discovered Wicca and began to practice witchcraft which of course meant developing my psychic powers and awareness and writing and participating in rituals where supernatural forces and entities were evoked and invoked. By some Christian standards, these things alone meant I was already destined for hell, however I had long since given up measuring my morals by Christian standards.

In Paganism I found a comfortable home where I was able to express my true self according to my true values. My core value is love. Love for the planet and it’s environment; love for animals and nature, and love for people, especially the oppressed and underprivileged. Balance and harmony are also core values of mine. Within the path I was walking it had become, perhaps too easy to be ‘balanced’, and I found my spiritual development was grinding to a halt. Yet there was one area where there was no balance at all and that was in the area of my relationship with deity.

I have always been a theist of one sort or another but my concept of deity is constantly evolving.  The short version is that I believe that deity manifests in many ways and personalities and is composed of a duality; not good and evil, but ying and yang or male and female.  Soon after discovering Paganism I also discovered the Egyptian Goddess Hathor who quickly became my guiding matron deity. Over the years I have built up a strong relationship with her and I still love her dearly. She is the archetypal woman to me and she even has some male traits in her persona. But traits were not enough, and it has been clear to me for a long time that my personality and my system of belief requires there to be a strong male deity at the center of things alongside my Goddess.

I looked at many pantheons but couldn’t find any deity I felt any strong attraction to; except perhaps the Horned God of Paganism. The problem was that this Horned God was known by many names, none of which meant much to me. Principally it seemed to me he was only known by his title and consequently seemed distant and remote.  I began to meditate about this and I came to realize that most of the imagery associated with the Horned God was the same imagery that both Christians and Satanists used to describe Satan. This idea took root in me, and during one meditation I had a kind of vision in which I felt the Horned God was insulted and alienated by the slanders which the Christian church (and others) had heaped upon him. It was as if using any of the names by which he was known had become taboo. The name which was most taboo, was Satan. It seemed to me from that point onward that I couldn’t add to his alienation by refusing to use his name , and my heart went out to him. At the same time he reached out to me.

After that I began to read and study more and more about Satan and Satanism. In Satanism I found a lot of crazies (but you find them in all religions) and I found a few things that worried me or which I didn’t agree with. But I found far more that I did agree with, which was quite a surprise and revelation. Indeed, after a while I couldn’t really think of many reasons why I didn’t call myself a Satanist already. There were just two in fact. The first was my relationship with Hathor. I asked her in prayer and meditation if she would be comfortable with my inviting another deity into my life alongside her. She kept saying yes, but I didn’t believe her. In the end she more or less snapped at me “I have already said yes!” So that was that. Finally the only question was whether I was truly willing to go against convention myself, break that taboo and call myself a Satanist. The answer was yes.

After a short ritual of dedication in which I invited him into my heart and into my life, there was no doubting his response. In all my spiritual life and magical workings I have never felt such a strong presence in and around me. It was a little unnerving at first.But I trust him implicitly. It is early days but I already recognize some of the work he is doing with me.

There have of course been moments of fear and doubt as there are whenever we make big decisions in life, but Satan is my Lord now and I am certainly a Satanist.


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