Post by Cassie
It is only just over 4 years ago that I wrote a post on my personal blog which was in effect my “Coming Out” as a Satanist. It hardly seems possible that so much has happened and changed in my life since then. At first I deleted the “coming out” post for all sorts of personal reasons and because I was afraid of the backlash and criticism I would receive. So my first steps into Satanic life were rather timid. However, I did reinstate that post and held fast to the decision I had made. In those early months I think I felt that actually I would find a middle path that was somewhere between Satanism and the kind of eclectic paganism I had been following up to that point. A lot of Satanic writing and precepts seemed a bit too radical, self centered and even brutal to me. But I put my faith and trust in Satan and took a leap into the dark… Now I suppose I find some of my early posts from a Satanic perspective to be far too apologetic; seeking approval and acceptance. Well, it’s a journey and you learn along the way. I learnt in big dramatic steps. Within months I was fully immersed in Satanic life, believing in and participating in things I would have bulked at a few months earlier. Within a year I was writing about Satanism with much more confidence and authority, I was deeply involved in a Satanic Coven and in various online Satanic circles. My soul was darker and my heart was probably harder. Meanwhile I got a girlfriend and adopted a daughter who both became Satanists and together our Satanic journey accelerated even further.
And now my lover and I run our own Satanic Coven. There are no half measures. We are not espousing any form of watered down middle path. Ours is a fully and exclusively left hand path. We reject all other moral systems and values and live by Satanic principles and will alone. There is nothing timid or half-hearted about our beliefs. We are Satanists. Accept it or fuck off.
But is that where the story ends? So nice little Cassie gives her soul to Satan and becomes a foul mouthed, hard arsed bitch… Is that it? Is that anything worth reading about, let alone celebrating? Is that a point at which anybody who has followed the story so far can say “Oh that was cool!” or “Told you so!” or even “What a shame!”
Well don’t worry, this is not the end. This is just a taking stock. The journey continues. The journey never ends.
It is true though… I am not as “nice” as I once was. I certainly can be a foul mouthed, hard arsed bitch and I enjoy giving that aspect of myself free reign sometimes. I no longer have any shame about the darker aspects of myself, or about expressing them when the need arises. So since I am taking stock, lets look in a bit more detail at the ways Satanism has changed and helped me.
Perhaps the most important thing in the early days was that Satanism helped me to cope with the illness and death of my mother. It was complicated and difficult but I think that without the hardened edge and support network that Satan provided me with, I would have broken down. It was also at that time (coincidence?) that I met my life partner and her daughter and inherited a new family. My love and passion for Sophie began on a high but has steadily increased as we have both become ever more deeply involved in Satanism. And while I will probably never give birth myself, I couldn’t love my adopted daughter more. Her presence totally activated my maternal instincts and hormones and helped me to grow in ways I would never have imagined possible. Now she is old enough to begin making her own way in the adult world and I couldn’t be prouder of her. (More about that later).
Satanism allowed me to know myself better, to shamelessly indulge in my passions and pleasures, and to grow in confidence in leaps and bounds. That confidence has lead to several promotions and thus to a much more enjoyable, rewarding and lucrative work life. I am earning more money than I thought possible a few years ago, I am living in a very comfortable apartment in an expensive city but can still afford just about any luxury or pleasure that takes my fancy. While I have a few unhealthy vices, I am fit, active, happy and relaxed and therefore in very good health. Sophie and I are both approaching the phase of life that used to be known as “middle age” but I think we could both pass ourselves off as “twentysomethings” if we wanted to. And our own coven has given us both the opportunity to develop our maternal and organisational skills in new ways. Gradually we have become quite influential in wider Satanic circles. So it is as if in work, social, personal and coven life all limits and barriers have been removed.
So while people who used to know the nicer Cassie might regret the harder edge they see now, I am thoroughly grateful to Satan for the person I have become and the limitless opportunities ahead of me.
I am aware that there are elements of this post which I have spoken of before, not so long ago, and that is a bit of a problem… Looking back through this blog, we have already covered most of the themes that are important to us. We don’t want to get repetitive…
The thrust of this post so far might seem to be saying “Look we are fully immersed in Satanism now and everything is great;- end of story.” But that is not it.
There will be challenges ahead and we are not so naive as to think all our problems are over and this is where we stay now. No, life is always a journey. There are always new things to learn and experience in any path and it is no different for us. I think the three of us are Satanic to the core of our beings and that will probably not change. But how we live that out in the reality of the everyday world will always pose questions and challenges for us. We will continue to share what we learn from those experiences in this blog and we will continue to write about any themes that seem important to us. But since we have covered quite a lot of ground already we will probably not be posting to this blog as often as in the past. We do not want to be repeating ourselves too much.
However we have encouraged Tina to start a blog of her own. She has a very different perspective and voice to Sophie and myself. Sophie and I came to Satanism in our thirties after a lot of spiritual searching and all sorts of different life experiences. Tina, on the other hand, has been brought up in the centre of a Satanic family. In terms of philosophy and religion, Satanism is pretty much her normality in a way that certainly wasn’t the case for us, or for most people… Also, at sixteen, as she begins to explore adult life in general, her concerns and interests are quite different from our own. All three of us are aware there is not much quality material around for younger people who are interested in Satanism, certainly not much that we would recommend. Sophie and I are confident that Tina will become a good and knowledgeable example of a young Satanist. We hope she will indeed keep her blog going and we are curious to see what she will say.
So, while Sophie and I may be posting here a little less often in future, the journey of this Satanic family continues in many ways.
You can visit Tina’s blog here.
This is a post to mark a right of passage, as much for me as for my daughter. But it makes sense for Tina to speak first.
Tina speaking… Unlike my mother or Cassie I have never really been interested in or experienced any religion or philosophy except Satanism. It is true that I got interested in it because it was so important to them but since I started finding out about it myself I never really had any doubts about it. It is also true that I became a Satanist at the same time I started to change from a girl into a woman and I suppose the two things are connected.
Some months ago I started to have some doubts about continuing with Satanism. It wasn’t because I stopped believing; it was just because a lot of other things were happening (school, study, boyfriends etc) and also I was a bit frustrated with being on the fringe of things at home. (Mum and Cassie are very busy with their coven and I get on well with all those people but can’t join in with anything. I am friends with the children of the coven members but most of them are not my age and anyway, strange to say, none of them are actually Satanists themselves. The only Satanists of my own age I am in contact with are online contacts and that is not the same as real life.). So I thought maybe I should just let go of Satanism for a while and concentrate on other things. Mum and Cassie were perfectly fine with that. But the problem was I couldn’t let it go. It was already too much part of my life. I have been learning witchcraft for quite a few years already and I couldn’t “not” be a witch. And I couldn’t stop being a Satanist either, it is what I am. So instead of leaving Satanism I went the other way. I did a big, deep and dark ritual of self dedication to Satan. And then I felt that connection and power surge that my mum and Cassie have spoken about before. In some ways I think it changed me even more than losing my virginity (which also happened during the last year).
So now I feel supercharged as a Satanist and strangely it doesn’t bother me now that I have to wait a year or two before officially joining the coven. I feel I have my own relationship with Satan now. And while I know I still have lots to learn about just about everything I am an adult now. Childhood is over and I am fully enjoying being a young adult. I will sin. I will indulge. I will learn. I will grow.
I am keeping this short and missing things out but obviously while all this was happening there were lots of long discussions with my mother and Cassie. I think as a result of all that, my relationship with my mum has changed. It was always a good relationship but now I think it is a more equal and adult one. But I will let her explain…
Sophie again… All relationships grow and change including the mother/daughter relationship. The fact that my daughter and I share broadly the same religious and philosophical beliefs has certainly helped in the past few years and I believe there has been far less conflict between us than some mothers and daughters experience. However we are indeed both Satanists and that has repercussions and consequences. Simply put, in order to be true to the beliefs and philosophy we share I have had to allow her to grow at her own pace and embark on adult life free of many of the restrictions I experienced and free of the guilt that I and many others experienced living in a world dominated by Christian values.
Only a couple of years ago when puberty was just beginning to take effect, I could still think of my daughter as essentially a child. Although she was already starting to change into a woman physically and mentally, I still saw her mainly as my little girl to be nurtured and protected. And I think even she would agree that in many ways she was still a child and was mostly quite happy to be treated as such. One of her first grown up decisions was to become a Satanist. Cassie and I discouraged her quite strongly at first, believing that it would be better for her to have more experience of life before deciding on any religion or philosophy; let alone one as outside the mainstream as Satanism is. But she was strong-willed, determined and persistent and eventually we decided it was best to respect her decision and guide her on that path as best we could. And so Satan became one of the guiding lights and cornerstones of her development as an adult. Cassie and I thought perhaps it was just a phase and we would have been ready to accept it if she had said she wanted to back out or just focus her energies on the less spiritual aspects of adolescence. But it was not just a phase. Her adulthood has blossomed within a Satanic household in which we value knowledge, pleasure and experience and where we have no great reverence for innocence and certainly no respect for ignorance.
And now sitting opposite me, Tina is an intelligent, quick witted and beautiful young woman who shares some of my beliefs and many of my pleasures and vices. But she is her own woman. She disagrees with me on some things (even concerning Satanism) and she has many interests and aspirations that have never been mine. She will always be my daughter, blood of my blood and I will always love her and be there for her in that capacity. But I also love the Satanic woman that she has become and respect her as the individual she has chosen to be. In some ways her Satanism is more pure than mine and there is much I can learn from her. We are both now daughters of Satan and go forward as equals and friends.
It is a year since we heard the sad news that our friend Lee had passed from this world.
He is still often in our thoughts.
His legacy remains.
Some interesting perspective from an academic who studies weird people like us!
This is a long-overdue response to John L. Crow’s post about Satanism and scholars of religion. And by overdue I mean by almost two years. John L. Crow (whom I met briefly at the American Academy of Religion’s Annual Conference in Atlanta last November) had written asking for my thoughts way back in December 2014. At the time I was preparing for my research trip in Norway, and then life and work got in the way, and this year I’ve been ill, and well, academics have no good excuses for these kinds things, but here we are, and I can haz ideas.
So, with apologies to John for the delay, here are my thoughts on the experience as a scholar of religion actively focusing on religious Satanism in relation to the broader context in which Satanism is discussed in popular, religious, and academic forums alike.
Allow me to begin with…
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From time to time we get asked for advice on how to explore Satan and Satanism. Some of the seekers are more genuine than others and some are just stupid or insane! We generally don’t respond to people who want tips on how to sell their soul to the devil or what diabolical acts they should commit to be loved by Satan. However, from time to time we get rational enquiries from genuine seekers who have already done some of the leg-work and research. We are more than happy to answer such people and give what tips we can. We recently had correspondence from a person we shall call P and this post is an extended answer to some of the thoughts and questions he put to us.
The first thing I should say is that we are three Satanists who all came to Satan in our own individual way for our own individual reasons. And that statement is probably true for most people who identify as Satanists. In other words there is no “one size fits all” way of exploring Satanism or of being a Satanist. Any advice we offer here is quite general and may not be meaningful to everybody.
Here is a segment of what P asked us. “I am searching into deeper understandings of life and have come to a point where i am having to explore my hidden aspects or at least maybe aspects that i have chosen to ignore previously or even just plain forgot!! i… studied a bit to be a priest of…….. and also for a while i have trained as a …….. healer i am aware that i now need to explore the truth of satan as i do increasingly feel connected and need to express this in a truthful deep and understanding way. I feel a great love also and enjoy writing poetry affirmations dedicated to satan so would appreciate your guidance in any way that you feel appropriate for me…”
It seems to us that P has already taken the first important steps which involving crossing the frontier between viewing everything associated with Satan as taboo and forbidden, to recognizing that there is something of value in Satanism which is obscured by other traditions and prejudices. Or to put it another way; he has had the courage to follow the call into once forbidden territories. There must be many who hear that call and never respond, perhaps out of fear or perhaps out of indifference. We also think that P has a big advantage in that he has obviously explored a number of quite different spiritual paths already. We think it helps greatly to have a variety of different spiritual and philosophical experiences. Those who have no such experience or those who are escaping from Christianity tend to come to Satan with very limited and blinkered expectations that can get in the way of real progression and insight.
Moreover, P states that a large part of his motivation is to explore hidden aspects of himself. In our opinion this is a pretty much a prerequisite for any exploration of Satanism. Before you even begin to think about what kind of Satanist you might eventually become (or not) you have to be prepared to visit the dark side of yourself, your shadow, and incorporate that fully into your persona. There is a very heavy element of Jungian psychology involved here and it wouldn’t do any harm to study a bit of Jung as part of the journey. In some respects we regard much of the ritual and drama that can be involved in Satanic practice as a physical and practical outworking of Jungian ideas; freeing oneself from repression and integrating the shadow into the whole self.
Other obvious tips would be to read widely around Satanic topics in books or on the internet and be prepared to sort the gems from the rubbish (of which there is much). In the end of course the individual has to decide what they honestly agree with (even when they are surprised to find themselves in agreement) and what they regard as rubbish or worse. I would advise most people to read more generally about the occult as well (particularly if this is a new area for them) and to learn and practice whatever forms of magic they are drawn to (which can include hard science psychology, physics and chemistry).
And in the midst of all this, approach Satan himself. (You may be an atheistic Satanist; in which case Satan can be seen as an aspect of your deeper self, but even so the use of the name Satan opens channels to great knowledge and power). This is an important step but comes with a warning. Satan, whatever you conceive him/it to be, IS powerful and is not to be messed with. All of us who have gone through this process are changed by it and doing so in the wrong way, with the wrong attitude or wrong state of mind can cause problems;- serious problems. Think of it this way; if you come to a new love in your life full of affirmations of love, respect and dedication and then change your mind a few days later, or worse your affirmations were nothing more than a ploy to get your lover into bed (to experiment with him or her) how do you think this perspective lover would react? And Satan is, well, far more powerful and influential than any other jilted lover is ever going to be.
With Satan, honesty is the best policy. If you are not sure about something, say so. Don’t pretend. Honesty shows respect and perhaps that should come before dedication.
There are various ways to approach Satan and P’s way (writing poetry and affirmations dedicated to Satan) seems like a gentle and respectful way of opening the door (take note of our warning about honesty though). Anything which involves focused thought and meditation is useful in approaching Satan. Those who have studied meditation in any form may find it useful to use the methods they are familiar with, but art, music, dance, drama and poetry can be equally valid and effective ways to focus and open the mind. This is best done at the same time as reading and learning about Satanism.
At some point in this process an answer will come. It is possible that the answer from Satan or from your deeper self will be that Satanism is NOT the path for you. If that is the case, those of us who do identify as Satanists should give you respect for an honest and open inquiry and wish you luck on your continuing spiritual search. If however you come to feel that Satanism in one of it’s many forms is right for you, it is still your choice whether to walk through that door and invite Satan or Satanic Energy fully into your life. Once you have made that choice there isn’t really any way back and you will certainly feel changed and empowered. But you should also be prepared for your views and perspectives on many things to change, your way of living may change substantially and you may lose friends or find that you have to be more secretive and circumspect about many things. Some of these adaptions can be painful and difficult. So while there are many advantages in losing the shackles and sheep mentality that play a large part in most people’s lives, there are drawbacks too which you should try to prepare for.
So to anybody in the early stages of exploring Satanism, good for you! You have already shown a willingness to explore areas many would rather avoid. This shows a certain amount of courage and open mindedness. But our advice is take it slow, showing respect for yourself and the new ideas you will be flirting with. Give yourself time to really think things through. Be prepared for the possibility that Satanism may, after all, not be your thing. But also be prepared for the fact that it might be and, if so, things in your life will almost certainly change.
You may consider reaching out to other Satanists or Satanic groups and covens. Be respectful but discerning. Never put yourself in danger or in a situation where you don’t feel comfortable.
Finally, to reiterate, Satanism is a very individualistic path and each person’s route into it and life as a Satanist will be their own unique thing. We wish all who are genuinely searching in this direction all the best.
Cassie, Sophie, Tina.
I guess in many people’s opinion I am a bad person. I am self centred and I admit to having a big ego. I can be harsh or even cruel if I decide to be. I probably seem to be amoral. I blaspheme, I swear, I drink and smoke and enjoy many other vices. I have sex with both men and women. My sexual tastes can be quite dark, some might say perverse. I like erotica and even some fairly hardcore porn. My girlfriend and I make up our own relationship rules. In life I do sometimes lie and cheat (though, not with my girlfriend). I have no hesitation in taking revenge as and when it serves my purpose. If it suited my needs or purposes there is probably no law I wouldn’t break or sin I wouldn’t commit. So yes, I guess those things make me “bad” in many people’s eyes. Then when you add the fact that I am a fairly open and active Satanist, I run a Satanic coven, I organise and participate in Satanic Rituals and practice what some call black magic; and that I acknowledge Satan as my ultimate archetype, guide and inspiration… Then I guess some would say I have crossed the line between merely being bad and actually being evil.
But it wasn’t always that way. Believe it or not I was a quite sweet and innocent child. Even as a teenager and young adult, while not entirely innocent, I was generally seen as a nice, kind young woman who always meant well (and that probably isn’t a bad description of who I was then). Fortunately the devil was always whispering in my ear; some would say leading me astray, but I would say leading me to self discovery and self awareness.
But it might not have been that way. If Satan hadn’t tempted me off the safer path there are many pleasures I would not have experienced, there are many aspects of my darker self and desires I would never have known. Of course some would argue that would have been better. And that the nicer, more wholesome version of Cassie was a much better person. I disagree. Knowing myself better than most people do, I’d like to examine what that nicer version of myself might have been.
To be honest it is hard to imagine those little whispers from the devil never being there, they were always the things that gave me the edge and gave me the confidence to be more adventurous. Without them well… I doubt I would have lived and worked abroad before starting my university studies; but it was those experiences that helped me to grow up and learn. There are a lot of people I would never have met. There are a lot of musicians I would never have gone drinking with. So there are a lot of people who are important to me now who would have had no impact on my life.
If I had ignored temptation I would certainly have had less sexual experience with men and I would probably never have even kissed a girl. And if that had been the case I wouldn’t now be living with a woman whom I love and I wouldn’t have a teenage daughter whom I adore. In fact I wouldn’t be living in Zurich and this little corner of love and security would not be part of my life at all.
Without exploring temptation I would probably have played safe with my relationships. I would probably have married and possibly divorced by now. We’d be two basically nice people who wondered what went wrong. Perhaps we’d spend our days trying to do the right things for our kids. I wouldn’t have the job I have now, I would have lacked the predatory instincts to go for the promotions that have brought me success. Besides all the travel I have to do wouldn’t be doable if I had a couple of kids from a broken marriage to look after.
Spiritually I would be lost. My path was always leading somewhere but if I consistently ignored all the signs of where I was supposed to go I would eventually have given up. I’d probably compensate by being over practical and I would hear myself saying things like “Spirituality and philosophy are for young people with too much time on their hands and no responsibility.”
On the other hand I would probably be a “nicer” person, or at least seemed to be. I would alway have been kind. I would always have offered a helping hand to anybody. I would always be a shoulder anybody could lean on. But what would that mean actually? The brutal truth is I would have wasted a lot of time giving sensible advice to people who were never going to take it. I would have claimed to give energy to people when in fact I didn’t have energy to spare. I would often have offered platitudes without really being able to do anything practical to help. I would have tried to help people who didn’t really want or need help. I would have been a victim to every kind of psychic and emotional vampire. And it would never have entered my mind to do anything mean, nasty or vengeful. And the result of all that, I suspect, is that I would have become very depressed and disillusioned.
Satan has certainly given me a much harder edge. An edge that protects me and makes me strong and successful. But the thing which I hope is clear to those who know me best, is that actually I am still a rather kind and caring person; it’s just that my kindness is better directed. In fact without being bound to some of the restraints that many religions and philosophies place on people, I am able to do more for people whom I believe deserve my help and compassion. And in the wider world I am still a political leftist in most things, I still care about social issues and I do what I can to help causes I believe have merit.
Why am I saying all this now. Well, several reasons. Firstly, for personal reasons there are a few people who might be reading this that I want to explain my choices to and perhaps this post will give an insight. Secondly I imagine there may be a few people reading this who may find my experience useful in coming to decisions of their own. But mainly I just want to thank Satan for his patient work with me. Converting to a totally Satanic mindset is the best thing I have ever done. I’m glad I am not the nice but naïve woman I could have become. There is nothing of that more innocent and wholesome Cassie I want back. I like the person Satanism has allowed me to become and the lifestyle I enjoy without guilt or regrets. Some people may think I am bad or even evil. I don’t care. Those concepts no longer have much meaning to me and I think if more people intellectually examined them they might find that such things as bad and evil are ambiguous or relative at best…
I am still on a path. The spiritual journey never ends. There is always much to learn. But I have no doubt of what my chosen path is. I sincerely thank the devil for his continuing guidance and inspiration.
Hail Satan! Hail the real me!
Hi There… Once again we have been rather mean on posting lately because life, travel, work and coven have been taking up our time. I have been trying to write a post about Satanic art but this turned out to be a huge topic and I haven’t got it how I want it yet. In the meantime, in order that we each have something to write about, I have suggested that the three of us each select a couple of pictures from the darker side of art (not necessarily specifically satanic) and say why we like them. I’ll go first.
My first choice is this…
I think it is called “Woman In The Fire”. Unfortunately I don’t have the credit details but I would be happy to publish them if somebody recognizes this image. I found it on the internet years ago and fell in love with it. To me it symbolizes the freedom experienced when you acknowledge the beauty of the darker side of yourself and the universe and decide to work with it rather than deny it. This was a revealing and transformative process for me and I think this picture captures it well. I could use a lot of words to highlight all the nuances this piece of art has for me but the beauty of art is that the work speaks for itself.
My second choice is a work by Salvador Dali
I have always been a huge fan of surrealism in general and Dali in particular. Even as a child I remember thinking there was something deliciously dark and forbidden about Dali’s work. I was slightly ashamed at how much I enjoyed his work. The above image was one of the first posters I had on my wall as a teenager. I’m not sure it is my all time favorite work of Dali’s but it was certainly the first I fell in love with. What do I like about it? The dreamlike quality, perhaps provoked by imbibing something forbidden… The rampant sexuality… The hint of violence and gore in the midst of balance and beauty… The essence of Dali himself; testing and often breaking boundaries. There are many rumors and counter rumors about what Dali’s religious or spiritual beliefs were. To me there is no doubt he was on the Left Hand Path in one form or another. If I had been born in a different time and place I could imagine being one of his muses. *Cassie*
*Sophie* Cassie and I both enjoy all kinds of art. I like everything from Classical to Pop art, from Rembrandt to Picasso… I might have also chosen something by Dali but Cassie beat me to that. In terms of darker art I guess my tastes are very sexual but I will start with something fairly classical, The Siren by John William Waterhouse
Maybe it doesn’t strike some people as dark but obviously the story behind it is. I like most of Waterhouse’s paintings and the Pre-Raphaelite style in general. In this painting we see a man transfixed by the beauty of the woman unaware that she is about to drag him down into the sea and drown him. Dark enough?
My second choice is Luis Royo. Although his work often contains naked women I always used to find his paintings too shallow, sweet and strangely innocent. Recently however I discovered his “Prohibited sketch books” which are much darker and more overtly sexual than the majority of his popular prints available at art stores. There are a couple of examples below. There are some much darker ones which to my mind have a clearly Satanic theme but unfortunately I suspect they cross the boundaries of what is allowed on WordPress. Hopefully these ones are innocent enough not to offend anybody but hint at what more there is. (I hate censoring myself).
*Tina* Do you know “The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy” by Tim Burton? Well, that is what I’ll start with. It’s an illustration from a book but that is still art. And if you know the story you will understand why this is the darkest picture in it. Cassie gave me that book a couple of years ago. She said it was “kind of cute stuff for dark souls.” She was right!
My next two are paintings of Lilith. I’m sorry I found them on the internet and don’t know who created them. We will happily give the artists credit if somebody tells us who they are. I love Lilith. I feel a stronger and stronger connection to her. The first one is a more traditional picture of her and is very similar to how I imagine her (except I always imagine her with horns).
For me Lilith is the Queen of Demons, a very powerful demon who you would not argue with. She doesn’t take shit from anybody. But she is a woman and she is completely equal to the strongest men. In her tradition she kind of comes before any of the other Christian and Jewish traditions and then gets ignored and they wonder why she is angry! Okay, I think those are just stories which never happened in reality but Lilith represents something real; a strength all women can have. And I have found that if you focus on her, you feel that strength growing in yourself. And here is a more scary image of Lilith I found…
So I found the artist of that one. Yes it is dark and scary, the kind of thing you might see in a nightmare. But part of being a Satanist is confronting your fears. The strange thing is I don’t find that image scary. It is just like an extreme form of life and death and once you accept that it becomes kind of beautiful in a way. Some will get it, some won’t. But nobody is going to mess with Lilith…Or me.