That’s our girl!
You may remember that a month ago I met a woman at the KitKat club in Berlin. We kept in touch. Well, we did more than keep in touch. This weekend she is visiting me in Vienna. Last night we went clubbing together. We were in the mood for a big night out. It was left open whether we would come home together or if we would go our separate ways at some point during the night; wishing each other luck with whoever we picked up… It’s fair to say we both intended to end up in bed with somebody. As it turned out, it was with each other and it was great. Then this morning during a weed and coffee break, we spoke about what this all means to us and we decided we are in a relationship of sorts even if it isn’t what people normally think of…
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My daughter Léonie recently celebrated her nineteenth birthday. She is an adult in every way now, though still my child of course. Apparently some mothers feel sad and depressed when their children start to grow up, when they begin to leave their innocent childhood behind and start behaving as adults. Honestly, I never felt that. Perhaps because of my Satanic philosophy and lifestyle, or perhaps just because it is the way I am, while I enjoyed and cherished Léonie as a child I always wanted her to grow up and become an empowered young woman. For me that was always the mission and purpose of being a mother; to protect and nurture the child and help her become a wise and intelligent adult who could take care of herself. I believe I have succeeded.
Only five years ago, when she was then 14, I remember when she announced one night that she had started smoking. Some may think I should have been shocked or angry, but in fact, being the wicked woman that I am, I was actually quite pleased. We sat down at the kitchen table and smoked together for the first time and I saw my first glimpse of a more grown up Léonie. The transformation had begun. Some months later she told Cassie and I that she was also a Satanist. We actually didn’t want her to make such a big decision as that at her age and we only accepted it with a pinch of salt, thinking she would change her mind. But we underestimated her conviction. She read, she learned and she took it all very seriously. She has continued to do so ever since. By the time she was sixteen she had become interested in boys and sex. But while some daughters might have been secretive about such things, she came to me and asked to have a serious chat about things which lead eventually to me accompanying her to the birth control clinic. I saw this not only as a sign that she was growing up rapidly, but also as a sign that she was growing up wisely. It made me proud.
A week ago Cassie and I took Léonie to Berlin to celebrate her birthday. It was a busy and highly enjoyable few days with a mixture of culture and night life, well to be honest on this occasion nightlife fun took priority. For me it was nice to spend time in the company of my adult daughter; just two Satanic women out to have fun and debauchery! It was clear from the start that Léonie has her own tastes and ideas and is a very free spirit indeed. Of course, as a mother, there are a few of her tastes and choices that I may not fully agree with or approve of, but she is generally wise, rational and very independent so I think I have less to worry about than some mothers. Overall, she is a bright and fun woman I’d be happy to spend time with as a friend even if we weren’t related.
The reason I am referring so much to my daughter and praising her up in this post, is to promote her own blog which I will detail later. The reason for that is that Cassie and I have been neglecting this blog a bit recently and in truth that situation is likely to continue for a while. There are two main reasons for this. Firstly we are simply both very busy with our jobs and our lives. Secondly, when we do get round to writing a blog post these days, we often quickly realise that we are repeating something we already said months or years before. I guess there is nothing wrong with repetition sometimes but too much of it feels stale and uninspiring. Léonie, on the other hand, has a new and fresh perspective. Unlike Cassie or myself she was brought up in a Satanic family and embraced Satanism from early in her teens. It has pretty much always been her world view and she approaches everything she does from that perspective and with the energy her youth gives her. Her views are very similar to ours, but as regular readers will know, no two Satanists believe exactly the same. So I feel her blog, Femme Diabolique, has a freshness and vitality that some of our readers might enjoy while our own posts remain a bit sporadic. I think in some ways she is bolder and less tactful than us. She is part of the next generation and is never afraid to speak her mind or challenge conventions.
Cassie and I will continue blogging here, but there is no way we can increase our post count at the moment. So if you want to maintain or increase your exposure to us wicked ladies, please do check out and follow Léonie’s blog! Femme Diabolique
So I celebrated my birthday this weekend; my 40th Birthday!
I started writing various things on the internet when I was a teenager and the blogs developed in my twenties. I have now reached an age where I am constantly asking myself; “where did the time go?” Moreover, isn’t 40 an age that is supposed to mean something? An age where you magically and resentfully become middle aged?
Well, clearly I’m getting a bit older. There have been grey hairs lurking beneath layers of dye for quite a while. But I seem to be aging fairly well, the diabolical lifestyle, hard work, late nights burning the candle at both ends, smoking, drinking, sex, drugs and rock’n’roll, don’t seem to be doing me too much harm… Well, I get more aches and pains than I used to and there are a few wrinkles which I prefer to call “laughter lines”. I’m not yet menopausal but that will come and I don’t really fear it. Being a witch helps with that. I have felt the maiden, the mother and the crone within me come into their own at various times in my life. I like my inner crone and when my ink stained skin shrivels up and reveals the scary crone within, she will be wearing a wicked smile!
I still feel young, and maybe that is the key. I have never really bought in to the stereotypes of how people should be or behave at various ages. I think if you keep busy and if you maintain your curiosity and enthusiasm for life, you’ll probably feel younger than you are, and you may look younger too.
While I don’t feel any special need to mark the coming of middle age, forty is a bit of a landmark for any woman, and I will use this opportunity to take stock and perhaps say a few things that I haven’t said before about my life and my beliefs.
I am generally a positive and happy person but that doesn’t mean my life has been without problems. I was always adventurous and made some mistakes along the way. While I still occasionally use various recreational drugs from time to time, when I was in my late teens I went through a short period of indulging in that side of life too excessively with several negative consequences, the most serious of which was getting raped. I now understand that I wasn’t to blame for the actual rape at all; but clearly cocaine impaired my decision making faculties and my ability to be fully responsible for myself. I’ll just leave that there for people to think about. In the meantime I recovered, grew up a lot and did not allow that horrible experience to negatively impact the rest of my life. But I had a strong will, supportive friends and family and spiritual/philosophical/psychological aspect to my life which helped me a lot. Not everyone is so lucky.
Almost certainly the two biggest things I have had to cope with were the break up of my parents and the illness and death of my mother. I have never said a lot about either of these things and probably won’t say much more now. As a child I thought I had a charmed life with the happiest and most devoted parents anyone could imagine. In my twenties I discovered that much of that had been an illusion and that my father had been routinely cheating on my mother and then he left her just when she needed him most. Then my mother had a series of small strokes and was diagnosed with a form of early onset dementia. I spent several years watching her mental and physical state decline in ways that would have been an embarrassment to her until her death at a young age came as both a relief and a hammer blow to my soul. I don’t think you ever really “get over” things like that, you just deal with it as best as you can, move forward and get on with living; taking care of yourself and the people you love.
I was blessed that at a time when I was more broken than I let on, I met Sophie and Léonie. Neither Sophie nor I are really lesbians (we are bi or pansexual if you have to put a label on it) but we are absolute soul mates and we fell in love almost instantly. Over the years our relationship has grown and changed in many ways but it is the rock and the cornerstone on which much of my life rests. We take a certain amount of pride that our love and our relationship is not defined or limited by conventional norms but works because we understand what is best for ourselves and each other.
I have not had a child of my own and I have taken a decision that I am not going to do that. You’d be surprised (or maybe not) at the amount of grief and anger I have been confronted with because I chose not to gestate a child in my belly. Even in the overpopulated 21st century there seem to be a lot of people (including some women) who think that if you decide not to have children you are somehow betraying your sex or humanity itself. Well, pardon my language but, fuck them!
But when I met Sophie, I also met Léonie and I couldn’t love her more even if she had sprung from my own womb. Somehow she just accepted me (which I am eternally grateful for) and I became like an older sister and sometimes second mum to her. It has been a privilege to watch her grow up and develop into the wise young woman she has become. She reminds me of myself at her age in many ways but she is far more grounded and sensible. Oh of course she can be a rebel too, and there will always be things she sees and does differently to me or Sophie but I’m immensely proud of her and the small part that my motherly hormones and guidance play in her life.
I have learned that you don’t have to physically give birth in order to be a decent mother. In fact you don’t have to have children at all, in many ways I am at my most maternal when I am guiding and nurturing the coven that Sophie and I run.
From my own life experiences I decided to be as honest as possible with Léonie about my relationship with Sophie. In fact we seldom argue and even more rarely have full blown fights, but if Sophie and I are having any form of disagreement we don’t hide it from Léonie. We are equally open with our affection for each other. And as Léonie has become old enough to understand such things we have also been open and honest with her about our sometimes unconventional sex lives.
I never set out to be unconventional in any way just for the sake of it. But neither have I ever been shy about challenging conventions when I feel it is right to do so. Perhaps, with hindsight, that attitude was fundamental in the spiritual path which eventually lead to me becoming a Satanist. That step was a big one for me and I was fully aware of the misgivings and misconceptions most people (including family and friends) would have about me becoming a Satanist. I did lose touch with and lose the respect of some people as a result of that but I also made new friends along the way. I don’t think I could ever have foreseen how all consuming and life changing that step would be. Sophie and I are now at the centre of a coven which is like an extended family and takes up a lot of our time and thought. I write about Satanism and administer and participate in several Satanic groups on line and in person.
At a deep personal level I have been liberated and changed in many ways. My values and thought processes have evolved along with my self confidence and the skills and knowledge I have acquired as a witch. Satan and Satanism have become central to my family and I and the lifestyles we enjoy. I have always understood that Satanism is not right, necessary or even helpful to everyone. But for some of us it the door that needs to be pushed open. Moreover I have always felt and still feel a sense of mission and purpose in presenting a more positive image of Satanism than is often seen in the media.
But I am not a perfect example of anything. There are many more knowledgeable Satanists than I. Many 40 year old women are far more experienced and wiser than I am in most aspects of life. And there are plenty of nicer, more sensible, healthier and more successful women around…
But I am me and I quite like being me! I know better than most that there are no guarantees in life about health, success or longevity. And I don’t minimise my own risks as much as some people would think is sensible. Yet, at 40 I still feel young. I am as curious as ever about life, the universe and everything and after a good amount of celebrating I intend to go on exploring and trying to be the best version of myself I can be.
It is satisfying in many ways to see our daughter come to similar conclusions and beliefs to those we hold. That she comes by her own route, following her own logical processes adds to our feeling that there is an undeniable flow of logic to many of these things. But sceptics might ask if it is really possible for the three of us to come to such conclusions really independently? This and other related issues will be addressed in a post we are working on.
Apparently my last post in which I admitted to being a Theistic Satanist rather than an atheistic one, caused a bit of discussion on Twitter. So I had my five minutes of fame and nearly missed it altogether! See here.
It was important to me to be honest about the way my thinking and lifestyle has developed, but perhaps what I said was not entirely clear because people have different interpretations of what theism and atheism actually mean. These confusions run so deep that I don’t think I can clear it up in one post. What I can do though is clarify what I mean.
The way I see it, the main problem is that most people define atheism by Christian definitions of God. By those definitions, I am still very much an atheist. I don’t believe in the Christian God or that the Christian God exists. Nor do I…
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It’s an old joke, but relevant; “How do you like your coffee?… Black like my soul!”
And it is really true for the three of us as we sit here drinking coffee and satisfying our nicotine cravings to the degree that by now our lungs might also be as black as our souls. During the past couple of weeks we have indulged all our vices to excess, we have enjoyed parties that others might describe as orgies, we have organised and participated in dark rituals, we have invoked demons and given thanks and praise to Satan for all that we learn, all that we enjoy and all that we are.
We have immersed ourselves in the dark side of life more fully and completely than any of us could have imagined or predicted a few years ago. We have become the kind of women that Christian missionaries and fundamentalists have nightmares about. And without doubt we would seek to seduce and corrupt any such people who come our way.
We are Satanic women, Devil Worshipers, sisters of demons, emissaries of hell. Hail Satan!
While all of the above is certainly true, it is mainly written in the context of language and understanding that is not, and should not, be part of our beliefs. We have chosen a path that is described as dark by our enemies and it is difficult not to fall into the trap of allowing our enemies to define us. I don’t mind the word “dark” or even “evil”, but the question then is, who defines what is dark or evil? It is an old question we frequently come back to in this blog, but it is always relevant.
Lets look at that first paragraph again and try to frame the same things in more neutral language.
Recently, like many people during the season of winter festivities, we have over indulged in many of the things we enjoy. We have eaten a lot of good, rich food. We have eaten too many chocolates and sweet things. We drank more alcohol than we normally do. We smoked a lot of cigarettes and a few cigars. We smoked a bit of weed and popped a few pills and substances that are illegal in some places. We had more than the normal amount of consensual sex of various types. We enjoyed these activities all the more for realising that it would be unhealthy and impractical to devote this amount of time to our personal pleasure every day of the year. We thanked the God we believe in for the times we were enjoying and used our imagination to create rituals of thanks to him. In doing so we reconfirmed our commitment to him and our desire to learn more on our chosen spiritual path.
Is that really dark or evil?
Is it really any darker than what a lot of supposedly respectable folk did while letting their hair down during the festive season? Sure, we are more open about the sex and drugs part, but just because others don’t speak about it as freely as we have on this occasion, does it really mean that they don’t do it as well?
Of course the difference is that we admit to being Satanists, and that makes everything we do dark, doesn’t it? While we are open about enjoying our hedonistic impulses; those are not the only things we do. We are three women… One of us is studying to became a vet and work in animal conservation. She is a grade A student who devotes some of her free time to looking after refugees. One of us donates a sizeable amount of her income to UNICEF and other charities. One of us devotes much of her time when she is not officially working with troubled teenagers, to working in a half way house for homeless and abused young people. Does the fact that we are Satanists and do not claim to be virginal “white lighters” darken and diminish these other things we do?
But while what I have said until now could be seen as a criticism of the hypocrisy of the goody goodies who judge our Satanic lifestyle, Satanists also need to be careful how the darkness they enjoy is defined, and who defines it.
How would it be if Jehova Witnesses got to define what is right or wrong, good or bad, light or dark for Buddhists? Ridiculous right? What if Hindus became the judges of what was moral or immoral for Jews? A stupid idea or…?
And yet as Satanists we quite often fall into the trap of allowing our own morals and ethics to be defined by other religions, and in particular by the religion that has the biggest axe to grind against us. Are we really dark and evil just because Christians say that we are? No we aren’t. We chose Satan not because we believe him to be evil as Christians insist; but because we know that he isn’t. We enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle not because we believe it is wrong and harmful but because we believe it can be right and helpful.
Yet most, if not all, Satanists (including all three of us) go through a stage of believing we are evil and indeed celebrating that fact. It leads some into acts of evil and depravity they would not have considered before but they unwittingly buy into the Christian concept of evil and suppose that since they have chosen to follow the devil, they are damned and might as well act accordingly. That is the road to Reverse Christianity, and it is NOT what Satanism is about. This should be obvious but it is frequently obscured by the prevailing Christian culture.
We must strive to define Satanism and Satan himself by ourselves, and not get sucked into being how Christians think we should be.
So what is the darkness that we love and immerse ourselves in?
Actually it is rather like the Dark Matter and Dark Energy which scientists seek to understand. The word dark in that context does not mean bad or evil, it simply means unknown and mysterious. An unknown force which has a profound effect on the entire universe. As Satanists we seek to explore the dark areas of ourselves and learn how it shapes us. We believe (and many psychologists, especially of the Jungian type, agree with us) that working with our darker nature, our shadow side, is a quite essential aspect of personal growth and development.
We choose to explore the darkness and all that is within it because we cannot truly know ourselves otherwise. We seek to know, and understand and progress. There are many religions that would prefer that we didn’t know, understand or progress. There are many gods (or ideas of gods) that would be threatened by the idea of humans reaching their full potential and not needing jealous gods anymore. Satan isn’t like like. Even Satan’s enemies agree that his biggest “crime” was bringing us knowledge and enlightenment, of removing us from the influence of lesser gods.
Darkness as we define it is therefore a school of knowledge and empowerment.
I will follow Satan wherever he leads me.
I will try to listen to and learn from Satan.
I will study hard, work hard and play hard.
I will not fear the judgement of others.
I have followed a Satanic philosophy since my early teens. I have always been fiercely atheistic in my beliefs; partly because this resonated with my scientific beliefs and outlook on life, and partly I think to differentiate myself from the Theistic beliefs of my mothers. For these reasons I gravitated towards LaVeyan Satanism and eventually joined an atheistic LaVeyan coven.
But it never felt quite right. I always had a feeling that Satan was real in some sense. I had increasingly powerful experiences in my dreams and during meditations and rituals in which I felt the presence of Satan and Lilith. To deny them seemed to me to be insulting them. But members of…
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We have been quite well connected with Aleister Nacht for quite some time and this a a recent and rare interview.
Note: Satanic Magus Aleister Nacht was interviewed by Domina Richter on Friday December 21, 2018, (Winter Solstice) and asked about his coven, public persona, and the future of Satanism. This is the first interview Nacht has granted in two years.
Q: You released a video of yourself this week on YouTube. So why did you choose to “go public” in this video?
A: I have been very conservative about sharing my personal life with the public although I could not always keep my life out of the public media. I suppose everyone likes to have a mental image of the person that has written a book, blog posts, etc. I felt the time was right to provide a visual medium for my readers. The only thing that should be out front is my Satanic message and if I can accomplish that by adding an image to my persona, then I…
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